Today on something you should know, people are attracted to people who have a good sense of humor, but only a specific type of humor. Then why? The next time someone asks for your advice, you might want to not give it. There are basically three ways. Advice given goes wrong. The first is you're, almost always solving the wrong problem. The second reason is that your advice is not nearly as good as you think it is. The third challenge with advice is it's often not a strong leadership act? Also how you mow your lawn, really matters I'll, explain the right way to do it and cognitive dissidence. It's the idea that you have certain beliefs about yourself and about life, and it's very hard to change them and the more important that belief is to the harder it's going to be to accept evident even from a credible source that we might have made a mistake all this today on something you should know

Are you currently enjoying the show on the stitched up? Then? You need to know. Sticker is going away on august, twenty nine yup going away as in conflict, guy's, dead, rest in peace dinner and thanks for fifteen years of service to the pod cast community, so switch to another pine cast out then follow this show their apple spotify or wherever you listen.

Something you should now fascinating, enter the world's top experts and practical advice? You can use your life today, something you should make her, rather as a welcome to something you should know and thanks for listening. You know we put a lot of time and effort into these episodes, and it is very satisfying and gratifying that so many people download and listen and share with their friends and take the time to email. Me it most of our listening happens in the united states, but I get emails. I just got an email the other day from east africa. I get emails from all over the world from people who enjoy this podcast, and that means not to me and thanks for doing that, first today. People often say they are attracted to people who have a good sense of humor.

it's a little more complex than that. Looking at research from the past thirty years, what really seems important in relationships is not just having a good sense of humor, but having a similar sense of humour, couples who I've together at the same things, seem to get along the best. It's not about being a comedian. It's really just about finding the same things funny searcher, say its crucial to laugh with your partner, not at them having an aggressive sense of humour, in other words, making your partner the butt of too many jokes under the magic of shared laughter and likely indicates and underlying bitterness. It's also something to consider in evaluating a new romance if you and your new data, or not laughing at the same things, I can be a red flag in that something you should know.

when someone asks you for advice, your inclined to give it, because After all, they asked but maybe giving advice to someone who asked for advice is The best course of action, at least not right away and that's the advice of Michael Bungay, Steiner, Last year, Michael, was named number one thought leader in coaching, and he is considered to be one of the top coaches in the world, he's author of a book called the advice, trap be humble, stay, curious and change the way you lead forever. I Michael welcome to something you should know. happy to be here, my call anybody who's called. My michael is obviously a talented good, looking person so off to a perfect start I'll thanks. Yes, I couldn't agree more. So what is the advice? Trap explain what it is, the advice

Is not advice itself, there's nothing wrong with advice. Advice is a key part of how we show up in life. It's the essence of this podcast, but the trap is when you ve default into giving advice. Is your standard reaction, any time anybody comes to you and asked for help, We all know that experience there. Somebody shows up and start telling you about a situation and after about seconds. You've got this little thing in our brain going. All I think I know what they should know. I think I should tell them something: that's the advice trap seems as if, though, if somebody asks my advice, mother. asking for my advice. I should give my advice cuss because they asked if they didn't want it, they wouldn't ask there is a perfect place for advice. None might be what this podcasting like when you need to find out and know anything from the advice tractor when a mushroom is. This is the place to come, but it's the default

bonds that killed you. They cause there are basically three ways. Advice given goes wrong. Just list them off quickly for you. The first is this you all always solving the wrong problem. If you think that the first challenge that they show up is the real challenge, because the first time somebody sharing something with you, it live it almost, never the real challenge, its their best gas, it. Stab in the dark. It's early high, officers, but the first challenge is really never A very rarely that the real challenge The second reason where advice goes astray is Your advice is not nearly as good as you think it is The cognitive biases and our brain never dare to convince us. then our advice is pretty awesome all the time. The truth is your advice is not quite as accurate as up to date or useful, as you hope it might be, but even

perfect. Well, if, if you know what the challenges and you ve really clear, what the problem is, that needs to be solved and even if you ve got a stone, kingly, good piece of advice to offer up to that the challenge with advice. Giving is its often not a strong leadership act because you this crossroads, and you can I be the person who gives them the answer. and in doing so sends a boy with a good answer to solve the problem and also sends them away with that subtle or not so subtle message which is come to me all the time when you have a problem and my job is to give you the give. The answer or you have the opportunity to say, let me help you figure this out, so that not only do we get a good answer, but you walk away going. I feel more confident and more competent and more self sufficient and more creative. able to do stuff on my own.

and so there is a level at which this kicks in because enough somebody pulls up next to me, when I walk in my dog and says, can you tell me where main street is it's going to tell them where main street is I'm not going to go through that thinking about these three problems with advice given because my advice is going to be pretty good and it's gonna get them on their way. It's not going to make him feel more confident or anything else, it's just get the main street, so we're talking about things a little more complex than that on one hand, you're right, I mean there are plenty of times where there's an obvious answer. I answer a question asked and there's an answer just waiting to be given and, just because you said you know tell me where main street is literally had this moment where somebody said to me: hey Michael into roncesvalles ave, because the the main street close to where I live in toronto- and I was just on the cusp of telling them- and I said, hey well what what are you after exactly and they said well, I'm actually, after this shop, the blah blah blah. I'm like you know what they were

for months as fires, but this one just around the corner from here and you That is actually just a whip around there and go to that alternative branch of the same shop. Instead, even with something, is obvious as tell me how I get two main street theirs a case to be made for saying: hey just they curious for ten seconds longer fifteen seconds longer, because in in asking. How do I get to main street they ve already gone. My problem is the solution to my problem is on main street and sometimes a right and sometimes maybe not say, ok. So If, if giving advice, isn't the answer was the answer. the answer is too is to stay curious, a little bit longer hell, I'm not talking

I know a week or a day or an hour, even I'm saying look in a conversation if you're in that kind of conversation. What we're talking about here see if you can stay curious, an extra two minutes and just before you rush into advice when you feel your advice, monster looming up out of the dark, and you think to yourself who who I've I've got a good answer for them. I need to tell them: what's going on, you can just say, look or just or just ask another question or two two minutes see how the conversation changes and involves. If I can stay curious, a little bit longer. and so how do we know that's better? How do we know that your way is a better way? equivalent of research that says

curiosity is a powerful behavior. You know in a kind of formal leadership way, but kisses a human to human way in all walks of life, but in organizational life that there's research that says the the rush to try and solve the first problem is almost always a dangerous rush, because almost always, if you think that the first challenge is the thing that needs to be fixed, you'll, you're off often kidding yourself, I mean lots of people have heard of the the five whys and that way of getting to root, cause analysis and the power of that. You know why did that happen, but why does that happen? But why does that happen? And even though that's a full, more strategic planning process, it turns out that that same curiosity is powerful on a day to day basis, which is to say, look if you have a conversation that is driven by curiosity, so you do a better job at figuring out what the real problem is you,

a better job at figuring out what the better answer to that problem is, and you do a better job at empowering the people around you so that they feel more able to solve these problems by themselves with and that's a win for you and it's a win for them, and you know in an organizational context, it's a win for your organization and your team as well, and so when somebody comes to you with one of those kinds of questions that you would normally respond with, advice how, for example, might you respond spit Ethically word for word lack the will. I had a you'd. How do you do what you're talking about in a varied granular away? Yes sure so is a classic. When I ll give you an exact script, come to me. My calling you say I Michael how do I do acts

And, of course, is no strong call to action and advice, giving when somebody guys hey Michael. How do I do this, because it's just that you that your whole body is leaning forward going they they actually want me to give advice here. So it's the responsible thing to do to tell them exactly what they are asking for. So he's your script. You go. I michael great question and you know what I do have some ideas and how you can do acts, but you before I give you my ideas. I bet you got some thoughts of your own, which it what's the first idea that you ve already got and I will promise you that ninety nine times out of a hundred do they will have an idea that already have a first stab a best guess what they could do and what you do. Is you not your head and you look? Entrusted engagement, go great! That's a nice idea like it, and then you go and what else? What else could you do and

o thou actually have a second idea, a second thought, and then, if you want you can go, this is a terrific. What is there anything else you could do and you that quest? in a motel searches in my previous book they coaching have. I said this is like the best coach in question in the world, because it just means that you squeeze the juice head of any question and of any situation you go anywhere else am what else is there anything else the end of that? If you still have a idea that you want to share you guys, look, there's a great. I love. I love the idea you come up with so far. Here's. What I would add is what I put on the table, and Maybe there's something useful there as well. You're doing here is your embracing the power of laziness. Just like you know what I've got an idea, the my job is less about being the person comes up with a fast normal

great, advise it's about creating a space for the other people to have their ideas and make sure that they walk, have the door with the best possible solution to whatever the challenges so script. I want some ideas, but before I tell you my what ideas do you have and what else and what else now, let me tell you mine is a powerful way to drive empowerment but still good ideas on the table. speaking with Michael Bungay stain, he is author of the book, the advice strap, be humble, stay, curious and change the way you lead forever. so Michael. Do you ever worry that that people will think hey, let's go ask Michael he's, probably he he knows about this. Let's ask him and people would say: oh no, you don't want to ask him. He is going to squeeze the juice out of it. It's going to take it. Yes is going to take forty five minutes and he's gonna make you squirm to get the answer yourselves. Let's go sk somebody else jaw

here. The only thing I worry about- and all of that is if they say that china take as forty five minutes, because if somebody says look, I gotta go I can either go to bob down the hallway and get an answer in two minutes, or I have to go through some sort of elaborate process with Michael it's going to take forty five minutes. Well, obviously, everybody's going to go to bob but my standing on it is this michael. If you can cope somebody in five minutes or less, you don't have time to catch them. So Speed is of the essence. no here's what I'm trying to do with the people I work with. I like I, don't try and be tricky about it. I don't try and be kind of wizard of oz, hiding behind the curtains manipulating the conversation I'm just really explicit about it. I'm, like you, know how we work. I want to make sure you get a great idea, but before I give you my ideas, I'm always gonna ask you for your ideas. First, can I trust you I think you're, smart, incompetent. You can get stuff done. So what are you

You know what I did. You got, what you think the real challenges here for you and all of this, and if you have a a commitment that the person, if you're willing to help them, learn and grow. If you're willing to say part of my job as a leader is to trust you and help, you become a better smarter version of yourself, but to do it in a way that still gets the that the work done and doesn't take forty five minutes of lying on a string, a therapist couch in my office, then you to find that blend between the two of them. Companies like microsoft and sales force in Google have taken these strategies and using them to change their culture. The way they do work, because I have just found that

it doesn't work to be the person who feels like you have to have all the answers, and you have to tell your people what to do. You don't have all the answers. The answers you do have aren't nearly as good as you hoped, the lp, it's not scalable and you spend your whole time keeping your people disempowered because they like. What's the point in me, coming up with an answer I'll just catch by micros answer, so you should shoot yourself in the foot if you foot, if he began, a person who always has to be the person with the answer? well, I can see that that that that makes a a great deal of sense in a lot of cases in it. It was what sounding clearer and clearer to me and what you say is you just if they be really good at figuring out when the pull this out, I fear quiver and when it just answer the question. here's what I know to be true, We are we all we all have over developed advice,

giving muscles like we're all pre where'll, pretty damn good at that, then there's nobody going. Are you know? I'm just don't give enough advice in my life. Everybody gives a lot of advice. Most of it goes on. He did the something goes. Heated often isn't as helpful as we all hope it will be the power to say curious, a little bit longer is something that can become an everyday leadership act and everyday leadership. Behavior that really can shift the way relationships are built and work has done. But to your point you know Daniel Goleman twenty years ago wrote an article for the harvard business review, called leadership that gets results and he says oh great leaders know how to use or six different styles of leadership and

Most leaders only know how to use to, or perhaps three of those lie- leadership styles, coaching being or coach. Like was one of those leadership stars. It was the least utilise them all the leadership styles. So to your point, it's about just trying to rebalance your behavior. So your brooding curiosity into more of your data day actions because sometimes you have to not get people to answer the question you have to teach them how to do something, and then let them go, but but if they don't have the fundamentals, asking them what they think is kind of a big waste of time. True, although it depends also in the teaching moment. So there's always see some technical staff that

it only work if you teach it to them. You know if there's been, if there's a download an exchange of of technical information, but there's a lot of evidence to say the best learning process is actually the start. People trying to figure stuff out themselves, even if they're, starting from a place of almost knowing nothing, because people make quite a lot of progress and deepen the sense of ownership and deepened the sense of curiosity if they're learning from from starting from scratch. You know when I am running training courses around coaching skills. I actually start people practicing coaching before I've taught them anything. Is this kind of look of incredulity in the room when I started doing this, because I like what what wait you haven't taught us anything. Yet what are we doing here? All night yeah, let's see how it goes when you don't know anything and see what you learn immediately and then I can start layering in teaching based on your experience of it so far, so

point. Obviously there's a place where you're, like you know what his technical specifications let them give him to you cause. There's no point in you trying to figure this out, but in a lot of stuff. Actually, even if they don't know something, it's still worth them, having a go as well it can also be frustrating to. If you don't have the fundamental. to solve the problem and but by telling you to give it a shot, and you guys I was thinking back as you were talking with when I was in high school and math was not my big subject, but my dad was very good at math and he would try to help me with my homework any he wouldn't he would do. What is your suggesting, he would say, will go ahead and give it a shot, and it was so frustrating because I have I had no idea I couldn't get from zero to one. And then he would have to show me how to do it, but we We're gonna go very long with me trying to do it myself right. So it just stage of the point you are making earlier and which is like its finding the balance.

And going is now the time for me to share the advice, to teach teach the lesson and this. and it comes in nice, iran where we started, which is well. What's the advice trap, the advice, trap, isn't advice, device trap, isn't teaching the advice trap is when giving advice becomes your default responds to every situation and that's what a lot of us have an that's. The behaviour were looking to break. I wonder why. We don't do this more. Naturally, what why we kind of didn't evolve to teach people. You know the old. You know give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day kind of thing. Why we? Why we don't do that normally yeah You know that this is an answer that combines both nature and nurture. So the nurture side is that we live in a society which rewards people all the time for passing the test for having the answer.

A win win. Your kid is passing the math test. It just matters in the end that they know that I'd made his sixteen. It doesn't always matter with. They understand the principles of that so through school through early career, where always encouraged to be the person. To that knows your staff in a week you pastor, the exam, whether it's a literal exam or metaphorical exam but there's a biological reason as well, which is you know we in our our meta law, this kind of lizard brain? Is it so cold that it's one of the oldest parts of our brain and sits on the top of our brainstem near the back of her head? It it in an unconscious way, reach our environment five times a second and asking am I If you or am I risk in its very much prime, to help you survive

one of the things that is looking for and dislikes is uncertainty. It's always going look. If, if I know what's going to happen, I feel safer if I feel safer and more likely to survive and of her more like you to survive. That's that's the purpose of my dna, which is to survive, so the dna can continue on down the line, so we have a way that we're trying to learn some primitive behaviour, primitive instincts to say. Look when you state curious you! Actually put yourself in a place of unknowing a little bit longer and there's one part of us that guys. Why would I do that and I at risk? But the truth is you are now in a more civilized times that security osity that opening up of possibilities, it's what's allows us to start creating a future and so I think, the next time somebody asked me for advice, I'm gonna really try and stop and not an

offer it in and try your way and see what happens, Michael Bungay, Steiner has been my guest, Michael was named the number one thought leader in coaching last year and he is considered to be one of the top coaches around his book. Called the advice trap be humble, stay, curious and change the way you lead forever and you'll find a linked to that book in the show notes. Thank you, Michael. my pleasure thanks for having me. If you think about it for a moment, you can probably recall, without a whole lot of troubled something you ve done in your past. That was wrong. Bore, actually judgment or was foolish. and rather than admit you were wrong or lack judgment, or were foolish justified which you did you reconciled what you did with the fact that europe, he's in person that, cognitive dissidents in action it

hard to admit when you do something dumb. When you don't in fact think of yourself as dumb, it doesn't line up with your beliefs about yourself, so you justify it to reconcile it and we all do it its interest, That we do it, but there are more important consequences to it as well terrorism is a social psychologist and author her latest is? Called mistakes were made, but not by me, why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions and for acts carol. Welcome well, I'm so happy to be here MIKE, so explain in more detail what cognitive dissonance is and why it so important for us to discuss it and understand it. There's no news in the fact that we will lie. other people and justify our actions to other people when the consequences could be that we get fired or divorced, or some awful thing here and to us

the insidious thing about cognitive dissonance. The crucial thing to understand about it is that we do the conflict. We feel between two crashing ideas? We do it unconsciously, without even being aware that we're doing this, so what and all the dissidents means is we hold a belief. The most powerful form of this is a belief about ourselves. I am a good kind com smart person- and now you are telling me I just- did something foolish back harmful, unethical and wrong We tell you where you can go with your your criticism. We could accept the distant information, but that's hard to do this is a mechanism we all do, because it really uncomfortable to live with definite example. I mean we see this look at the thousand.

Michael Jackson. Fans who had such trouble accepting the I commend tree evidence that he was most likely a child. Molesters have that where the discomfort is see and what people tend to do is resolve it in adamant way, see instead saying kay I love Michael Jackson's, music, but, and he did these bad things, ed. What many people wanted to do was deny that he did the really bad thanks or check out any any feeling of port for him and his music. So important, I think, to understand how dissonance works, because, when Do you understand it? We can see hit operating in ourselves and takes more control over. It was times I don't buy. That example specifically, but sometimes you will hear something bad caught with that country

so what you believe in. at least for me I'll, take this stance that were well maybe but I'm not gonna, believe it just because you said so. You're gonna have to prove to me that this is true that, because you say it doesn't make it right. Oh of course, welfare. let me make it clear. Of course, many people accept useful. format information that that we need to have I'm nothing. Everybody is closed minded and in the best of all possible worlds. We accept evidence that is supported. and and and worth listening to know? No. This is a different. This is a different matter and lets take as an example. The seen situation the anti back movement began with a fraud. My story

Man Andrew wakefield S, doktor, who took money from lawyers, eight hundred thousand dollars claim that the vaccines caused autism. He was here His medical licence, his article and lancet, was retracted, but what happened? That is when people have to make a choice. A decision do I want to buy. Previous or s u v do I will believe, Michael Jackson, or not? Do I want to believe that vaccines cause autism or not the minute we make a decision. We will now be motivated to keep our belief in harmony with the decision we made and to minimize or trivialize overlook, forget any information that is discrepancy or deviant. So it would be nice

to think we were all open minded and we are open minded for we make a decision before we commit ourselves, to a belief after we had decision after we accept that belief, then we then, we spend a lot of mental energy justifying it The more important the belief is to us the hard It will be for us to change our minds, the more effort, an energy attention and time we have put into justifying that believe the harder it's gonna be to accept evidence even from a credible source that we might have made a mistake see this is what has happened with the anti vex movement: the who are these people committed themselves to the idea that vaccines cause autism, in spite of man of evidence from every health organization around the world. What did they do

increased their commitment to the belief that their clients are dangerous. That's how dissonance reduction work than that, why it can be so self defeating while it may be defeating, but isn't it also a coping mechanism. It seems because. every time. I do something wrong every time I make a misjudgment. I can't just idea. Can't sit around a beat myself up about it. I have to the somehow reconcile it with HU. I am in to carry on with my life you see here? Is here's the basic premise? What kind dissidents is, is a conflict, Clash between two belief or a belief and the behaviour- and we

our motivated, as I say, unconsciously, to keep them in harmony? So if our action is dissonant with our belief Ah you know I'm a good honest person, but I'm gonna teach us this one here on this honest sam or on this office thing I'm going to cheat justice once it's no big deal the minute. I cheat now make my views about cheating com, and with what I've done so I, now decide the cheating isn't really such an awful thing? Everybody cheats! It's no big deal. If I the temptation to cheat my book, it's about cheating will move in the other direction. Cheating really is, you know not a victimless crime and it's a bad thing to do so. This is the principal and social psychology is well when people are are

obligated to behave in certain ways to wear seat belts to have their children vaccinated to pick up their trash and so forth, their attitudes will follow. This is a good thing do I am a smart good parent. After all, what the best for my child and so forth interesting that that example, you you used about cheating, because I mean every everybody. You can't go through life and not cheat somewhere sometime, I mean everybody and everybody justifies it. I cheat on my taxes because everybody does it then back and and in some cases ever you know everybody does do it. I mean it's pretty much. I mean there's that there are a lot of people cheat on their taxes or they fudge a little bit, I think it's partly because the tax law are so vague and and difficult to interpret that

that allows for that, that makes it makes it very possible to say what it could be that ok. Well, of course, I were all very good at justifying this. Is the treasure small thing? No big deal, everybody does it. I mean we all have plenty of those. The point is less that, though, then than this in look we have a metaphor. We call the pyramid of choice you know you imagine to people at the top of the pyramid with the same attitudes about hearing this was actually an experiment that was done with children. Then it's not rate thing: it's not the worst crime in the world. It's no big deal, everybody does it in them, but I wouldn't, if I didn't have to set her up, came not not a strong feeling, one where the other, but if given Fortunately, to cheat or resist cheating. Now this is what happened. You see that so interesting. The first step, the first time you just cheating that may indeed be trivial issue, but oh

for time, and if that decision is then reinforced subsequent opportunities to cheat more more of them. It become harder in a way to go back up the pyramid and say that first step I took was wrong. We have story in our book of job Stuart magruder, who, when he was higher than the Nixon white house, he had no idea what he was gonna end up. Doing the immoral, unethical and illegal acts that he did for the president. He starts well, just you know a really good guy step by step, justifying each small act of corruption and wrong doing c and by the end as he wrote, brilliantly in his autobiography, I could believe how far I had fallen somewhere along the line. I lost my moral compass and death

really the issue. It's not, that decision about your taxes or that one decision to latin whatever it might be its wet it sets up on up, have behavior is harmful and wrong, or corrupt or unethical from which we. and cannot extricate ourselves, because we have put so much energy into saying it's the right thing. But you can't live your life quest, in every decision you make and sang, but what, if I'm wrong, you'll, never get anywhere exactly right now, that's absolutely true! We must live our lives with with conviction. And with passion for the things we believe in and care most about no question. If you hadn't, if you had to go and get the research and brushing your teeth every morning be before breakfast, you know you could never get through the day. No, that's absolutely true. We all live according to our beliefs and convictions, and we must the chow

is the wisdom of holding those belief, light enough so that, if better evident Comes along better evidence, We will be able to change our minds. How many doctors continued to practice. radical mastectomies on there Patients with breast cancer long after the evidence shows that lumpectomy was just as effective and not disfiguring fate. that's where you want! You dont want doctors to change their minds every two minutes, but one there's a massive, persuade so the amount of evidence you want them. Able to say now is the time to change our minds. That's why it matters we about this, because its both important tool with convictions and to change our mind once we need to weather says professionally politically, socially psychologically,

it's not easy, and so this step, though, what's the baby step to get your head around this, how do you start to be the that person who leaves the door open for new evidence when you're, typically not that kind of purse. Well, we will a story. This is a true story of in paris who was then prime minister of Israel, when his good friend ronald reagan excel, the invitation to go to the cemetery a bit bergen, germany, which turn to have forty seven nazi laugh and The officers buried there and, as you can imagine, the world was pretty horrified by reagan's decision to do this. So someone asked him Perez or what do you think of this? Your friend ronald Reagan, going that bird and parents said now? Ok, the normal thing people would do

and the friendship or diminish the importance of this visit to bed bird parents said went up, and makes a mistake. Friend remains a friend, and the mistake remains a mistake that sir by telling us how to live with dissonance meaning. When I make a mistake when I do something that's wrong and hurtful I remain a good decent, smart person, but what I did remains foolish and hurtful- and I don't need to spend a lot of time and heat and energy propping up a belief that the past its shelf life. What why my doing I mean in my laugh about this because you'd think you know if your beloved Do you know what honey I've been thinking about that running argument? We ve had for the last twenty you're right we are completely right and I was completely wrong.

the world fall in no sense. Your beloved say I knew it up. Thank you so much I mean no one. People actually admit error, admit wrong doing when duck. tell their patients? No, yes, I did make a mistake. Let's talk about this. All human beings make a mistake. The world doesn't people are glad to hear it when somewhat admits that they did something wrong In the end, they change their mind for a better solution, so in fact, in fact the real Words are great for admitting when we are wrong. We don't seem to recognise that as often as perhaps we should there does seem to be a difference between people making a mistake theirs and deliberately doing something wrong. You commit a crime. You know your committing a crime that you now That's wrong going in you, make a mess they can you find out later you made a mistake, but

to me those are very different. While they are very We know that they are very dear because in the form in case you know you, you know, you're a con man con men, don't feel any dissonance. Yeah just rob this woman out of her life savings. So what she's a chump she should have known better. There is no dissonance there. And if you know that you're going to commit a crime yield, you do know you. I'm up with plenty of reasons for it, but that's not the issue here. The issue here is the mistake. that you made, but by mistake I mean something like that, The mistake you made was believing that children never lie about sex abuse? That belief started a massive hysterical epidemic

in our society. Children never lie. Are you kidding? This is something that can only be said by someone who wasn't the child or never knew a child apply all done. They lie all the time. In fact, this is in fact something say that language emerged so that we can lie in any case hey, but if you, if you carry, that believe, That's a mistaken belief, it's an arrow, believe it too limited belief and it's it's wrong, it and children don't have to lie in the way adults think about lying, to be wrong, the same with any adults who we see this in our society today. Think of the dissonance people feel when a woman makes an accusation or a man makes an accusation and we're supposed to believe them unquestionably, but you don't have you're lying to me

wrong. You can be remembering you can be confabulate in you can be influenced by people around you to be wrong. But when we hold of a rigid believe, then it allows no exceptions and what happens over time said a person can get back into a corner, throwing more and more defence of self justification on that believe till the point where they finally camp out of that corner at all. That's what we mean by it. mistake not a crime, not a simple mistake that you know them the minute. You do it. You made a mistake, but but but I believe you hold that really you It should be modifying by now and when you modify it, when you realize you know hey well, I guess children do lie and and mistakes were made and people got hurt, but you still need

to carry on with your life and not feel horrible. Every moment of every waking day for the stake. You, may you somehow have to reconcile I made a mistake, but it doesn't mean, in the end of the world. For me, because you know what what good is that now exactly right mike, that's exactly right. Remember here's, whereas you know if, when I a mistake. I can remain a good kind, good person, but what I did Remains a mistake, so the task for us is to admit and accept what we wrong or what believe we held. That was wrong. Get it understand, did not just throw overboard and one second, while I'm fine- and this is no big deal, but with it enough to understand what was wrong with what you thought and did accept The harm that

you might have caused for others and then Indeed, the point is not to dwell on it forever. The whole. Point of cognitive dissonance reduction. The fact that we do reduce dissonance the way we do is precisely so that we don't have sleepless nights, everybody knows about buyers, remorse and what a miserable feeling that is and the goals not to live your life, beating yourself up over regret, overt choices that were wrong over decisions that turned out to be foolish or and so forth. No, I completely agree with you. Dissonant reduction is what lets us sleep at night some terms a few sleepless nights are called for, so that we don't throw away the chance to learn We were doing that was wrong and to make some amends for it because story in the book of a young man who was texting and driving and

to a terrible car accident and caused the death of the driver and the other car, so that boy it could have. Young man could have just said this problem with texting and driving. You know everybody does it it's ok and in what was his fault and it's not a big deal in the desert and at the trial and his trial. He heard the evidence of the scientists talking about how distracted driving texting is like driving, drunk blind drunk. You just are setting yourself up for an to that end as this accumulated scientific evidence? hit him on the head. He said holy look what I've done. Look what I've done now, should he sleep the rest of his life Well, of course he should, but what he decided to do was to become a spokesman for the dangers of texting and driving, he spent his time talking to in ages and young adults about this, as it is

here, because I don't want you to be like me to happen to you. What happened to me. That's learning from your germany, It was interesting that this is something everyone does we all do it. We all justify our actions and reconcile it and yet we don't talk about it much, but we just did. Karel terrorists has been my guess: she's, a social psychologist and author of the book mistakes were made, but by me why we justify foolish beliefs, bad decisions and hurtful acts. There's a linked to that book in the show notes. for being here carol. Thank you mike, So how do you mow your lawn? Do you go side to side front to back or perhaps you go diagonally. Well. Actually, it's best to do all of those things cutting the grass. You want to switch up the routine, not just for ex bud for your lawn,

cutting the grass in the same pattern, every time, trains, the grass to grow in one direction, we're time that flattened the grass, and and who, once flat, grass so the next time you mo give the neighbours and your grass a thrill and taken alternate route. If you use a lawn service go ahead and requested, they alternate the pattern, with all those laws and tied schedules. Many of them are also prone to fall into a routine. and that is something you should know. We love ratings and reviews on apple podcasts or wherever else you listen just take a moment. Give us a rating and review. It helps my carruthers thanks for listening today to something you should know.

Welcome to talk about the ultimate smart, rewatch podcast below. We have a lot of fans. We have a lot of people that watch the show. We have a lot of people that still watch them, although they show up to the cons, are glorious, they're, awesome, they're, just loyal is the word. I guess I'm proud of the show so come on man, it's novel because now everybody's like arrow and this- and these are all great- shows- I'm not knocking the shows. I'm just saying: don't you remember us before the social media may may may catch up with season one or start season, two on youtube or wherever you listen?