Today on something you should know how hand, writing analysis work. Is it a real thing or is it just guess, work there Why do you buy the things you buy you'd like to think you make objective good, buying decisions, but then how much time that we can necessarily take to make objective decisions after all you're running to get toothpaste, and you really can't afford to sit there and debate despite the one given by over and over again and not a wrong decision. Also, if you enjoy an occasional cocktail, there are a few you may want to stay away from plus. Have you ever had a political or other difficult conversation that didn't go well? If you enter the conversation hoping to change, what mind geared probably destined be frustrated that one of the reasons

conversations become argument because it's really hard to change somebody s life really hard. All this today, something you should know. something you should now fascinating into the world's top experts and practical advice you can use in your life at something you should make her rather ass. I get it of have emails from all over the world. This week I got an email from flora in Taiwan mean in I ran, another one night. I think it was from Egypt Interesting is a lot of the emails from foreign country he's from non english speaking foreign countries that I get our people saying that they use this podcast to help, learn English ever thought. My english with is that good? That could teach people, but apparently it is an

I got an email this morning. I must share this with you because it was just it just kind of made my day. From a gentleman named stephen, and it says I just have to say that this is the best podcast. I have ever heard phenomenal and life. Changing. Thank you know I've got another emails. I kind of start out that way, love your podcast, it's great, but and then I take issue with it, but he just it's great and left it at that, and I ll leave it at that as well. today. We're gonna talk about handwriting analysis, been used as evidence in court trials and and is actually helps and some people to jail. But is handwriting analysis really legit will. First, have to understand. There are two types of handwriting analysis: there's forensic handwriting analysis and that's when in expert testifies that to say natures were made by the same person or that a say Nature is, or is not a forgery stuff like that

sounds simple enough, but to Supreme court cases one in ninety, ninety three and one in two thousand and one have cast I have doubts on the validity of this type of analysis, because there's Standardized way of testing in any analysis appears to be very subjective once compared so called experts with average people in analyzing handwriting samples and the experts did no better than the average people. Both groups were wrong. Fifty percent of the time graph Ology is the other. Of handwriting analysis, and this is where someone tries to figure out a person's personality. down there handwriting in it's about. Seventy percent of employers use this as part of their screening process for new him in, and a lot of employers use. This is part of their screening process for new employees.

But there is absolutely no evidence scientifically that there's any validity to it. In fact, one of the basic in support of handwriting analysis- is that, like fingerprint, everyone's handwriting is unique, indifferent, but that's never been proven. It's never been demonstrated it just it appeared that your handwriting has very much to say except for actual words you right in that something you should know how many buying decisions do you make in a day or a week or a month many you buy? food you buy, toothpaste, you buy gasoline clothes, medicine, cars, europe, is buying or thinking about buying or looking back at the things you bought and wondering why you bought them. So why is it that you buy what you buy? Why by one toothpaste, but not the other. Why did you get the car you drive instead of a different kind of car, harry back with us

marketing consultant, he's too of back with partners and has worked with companies like target whilst fargo murchen ibm. And he is also the author of several books, including unthinking the surprise forces behind what we buy. Many thanks for being here so so, they know, it's a pretty big, complex question and it depends on what it is you're buying is there, simple answer to the question why By what we buy with our hearts, I think that's the best summary of what we do. Rather than with our heads, were often lambasting for debate. national and buy things we don't need and things we not want bid. If you look deep inside there, some desire that it that it fulfils an it's, it's not the elected, doing it at the heart So, if that's true, if, if we're making buying decisions with our heart and not our head should encompass,

These be appealing to our heart and not our head not telling us that that this detergent, cleans better or this glass cleaner, makes your windows sparkle, but they should be appealing to something else. Well, I'm doing some, don't, as you know, the the proctor and gamble the world's dunno, how much time on re researching the kinds of things that I write about, I'll, perhaps more simply that they have a very good understanding of of motivations and the triggers an awful lot of people and other lines of work, especially people were inclined to be think of themselves. Rational and analytical thinkers It's all rational and analytical thought that goes into it m m and they're the ones that made more the mistakes, but if you're in marking for any length of time begin to recognise how utterly human we are but

using your example of procter and gamble. I mean most people would think well the way they sell and the way they appeal to people is, you know, tied, get your clothes cleaner and you're saying that, that's not why people by tied to get their close claiming that would they how, how would they know, in other words, tide over and over again on television and appeals to us, but in many cases the p. If you look at the people, by tied to other people who grew up with tide, it's just familiar to them. They associate it with family in the same way that we have a familial connection to copy, because most of us grew up with the smell of that roasting. Percolating in our and our mothers kitchen, it so clean become the way of justifying the decision. But if you looked at them side by side, you couldn't proves that type

it's closer cleaner, so so a lot of the reasons we think we buy are more justification to ourselves than they are yeah you what you need to habitat. You need to think the APA justification until you give yourself one and or you'll you'll announce one end. Even when you do market research you'll find that people give a particular answer for why they bought something. But it's it becomes clear that that is the reason at all if have to probe deeper, but I imagine somebody listening to this and myself included would say, but wait a minute I like to think I'm smarter than that that I do make those kinds of decisions. Maybe this up, eyes to everybody else, but no, no, no I'm! When I buy my detergent or my whatever it is, I'm buying

because you know I've done the research. I know- and this is an objectively good decision- yeah they're not meant to, but how much time that we can necessarily take to make objective good decisions. After all, you run into the you run in to get some toothpaste and you really can't afford to sit there and debate. You just buy the one that you've been buying over and over again again and it's not a wrong decision. All toothpaste, I think works. I think you'd be hard pressed to see any significant change in people's teeth, but using pepperdine vs gleam vs. Whatever else is out there, but you believe that it's, but you believe that it works well and I dunno the unnecessary believe it works better. It's just you, don't you're not going to take the time to to do the exploration it just

requires too much time and were up. We need that time to do other things they still make gleam. I was. I am not sure that only or much took but here's the thing, there's so much toothpaste out that you can't even really you can't you can't even check there. I don't know I'm a different cut. There must be about eleven different kinds of craft. Now right, you can sit there and be an avid crushed by air. may not have any idea what to do. Maybe I should get the crust with everything but gosh. If it has everything, then maybe it doesn't whiten as well as the one that just has whitening you know I mean what kind of a decision is that or tartar control, but tartar control plus breath freshening, let's see but the descent J? Is it better to get just the pure breath freshener? Does it freshen breath more than one with the added tartar control

I have to think about it. Your head spin well, is that good marketing to to make people so confused and head spin that that that I mean, what's the point of their shelf space, the name familiarity the more different product line that you carry the more shelf space that you can own, and so you can start to squeeze off your competitors into smaller and smaller spaces. Then people come in and see that crest has all this and and whatever else, and especially if you're new to this country, they'll go well. Gosh Emma cross must be the best toothpaste in this country, because they've got all this space through a battle for shelf space, in stores and and and then that's an explanation for the poor formation as anything else and a valid one too. I mean that your space is pretty well already powerful stuff. Well, absolutely yeah yeah. I would, if I can say, is craster but

inclined to buy crassus, and I remember I remember that old, jerry seinfeld routine about you know, pain, really, relievers, you know. Do I want long lasting or do I want fast acting, you know and it's I don't know. Where is why not both why it is the stuff of humor? But it's it's. It's I'm thinking it's not irrational, just non rational! It's it's! It's a motive, there's something it comes from our past. Our parents, haven't we ve seen it millions of times. We feel comfortable with it. Maybe we just like all other things things will we just like that acted without even knowing that only reason my guest, his hairy back with us back with, partners. He is a marketing consultant and author of the book unthinking the surprise, forces behind what we buy. You know. family dinner together on a regular basis, is really important. We ve talked about it on this programme. It's been pre

and to build stronger relationships. Improve kids, school performance plus is just fun and I think dinner matters as well. The family dinner of take out food isn't the same as a real home cooked meal, which is why I love plated play. Deliver chef design, meals right to your door. We just follow the steps step recipes this week, cooking marsala mustard salmon with rice and roasted broccoli, you get off ingredients, you need no more, no less and they go of their way to provide the freshest highest quality ingredients. It really to spend time in the kitchen with family and the kids love to help when it's time to eat we all feel like we were part of bringing this meal altogether. It's a great feeling Other feature I like is played even offers dessert options like molten chocolate, cake and no churn coffee ice cream to discover. your ideal dinner experience go to plated dot com, sly, something to get twenty

percent off your first four weeks for a limited time, only term apply, see plated dotcom, slash something for details: that's plated dot com, sly, something labour strikes. Climate change! You more crappy office printer. What are they all have in common wealth? about the money, economic is everywhere and everything fuelling our lives, even where you least expect look if you're a fan of something you should know, and your curious to learn something new and exciting about money and economics. Each week I recommend you listen to the planet money podcast from npr. What you will enjoy are bored I enjoy about planet money. Is it makes the topic of money in economics. It makes its simple interesting. Humanizes it and makes it very accessible. They recently had an episode about taking vacations and why we in the? U s, take so little vacation

was really interesting. Planet money answers some of life's burning questions, light ay take over your job. If vodka tasteless fancy vodka, just fancy marketing the wire mystery, so darn expensive to an end. And money every week for entertaining stories and insights about how money shapes your world stories that you will not find anywhere else. listen now to planet money from and pr wherever you get your podcast, if you want to have some fun it's football season after all, and it is a great time to play some daily fantasy sports and what Maybe you haven't played before is prize picks. I play it what's cool about price pixies, you playing against the thousands zillions of other people. It's just you against the numbers, specifically You pick more than or less stan on to dust

player, stat projections and then to see if your right and if you are you, watch the winnings role in it is so cool this policies and price picks it is the most exciting way to play daily fantasy sports and if you're good at it, you can. And ten dollars into two hundred and fifty with just a few taps, and it's not just profit all prize pigs offers projections on any sport. You watch college football pro hockey pro basketball. Everything even this gulf in cricket placing entries on passing yards in football and players points per gave in basketball, it so easy, plus with easy withdrawals and any normal selection of players and staff types. It's why pray fix is the number one daily fantasy sports out go to price picked, calm, slash s, why s k and code s. Why asked k for a first deposit match up to a hundred dollars must be put

and in certain states visit prize pick that com for restrictions in details once again go to apprise, picks, dot com, slash s, why s, kate and use It s why s k for a first deposit match up to a hundred dollars prize, picks daily fantasy sports made easy so Harry. This talk about buying a car is like the perfect example of what you're talking about, because there is no one best car people. use a car and they say they choose it. For things like we're, ability and mileage in color and looks and all that an end may be they do, but It's probably a lot of cars that would fit that bill. Their power We are some cars that fit the bill better than the car you choose, so there's, obviously something else going on. There is more than just that law jiggle. I picked this car because it it's so many miles per gallon and the other

cars. Don't while you can, you just had the experience where your party attended by the women The brand repeatedly until you have a bad experience and are so so if you buy fords and you buy it, then you buy fords, and the toyota by air by toyota doesn't buy his toyota, the toyota, but we tend to repeat it as long as it is. It's a They satisfying experience. Why not? And we initially bought that for some elemental reason. If we look back whatever that choice of cars was there was. There was something about it. I I switched toilers when when I changed careers, I didn't have the money I had when I was like law on buying german art and a, and I bought a toiled on. I bought it because, but when I looked at what kind of sporty

I heard that they were very reliable and I was having a lot of reliability problems with my german cars and I was impressed with the car when I tested it and I didn't want to have to try to test any more. It was just one of the first ones I tried and they tried one or two other models, and then I was done at all- I needed to do but wait, wait, wait, wait! That's a very objective decision making process, that's not you're, not buying, because you have your dad bought a toy yoda you're, not buying, because you feel warm. Fuzzy. You bought it for reliability while how warm and fuzzy because reliability was a nice justification to give for it, but it was. It was the cool looking of the three cars. It was this the sportiest and sexiest looking? But how do you know me yeah. But how do you know that it's the coup, and sexiest car wasn't the secondary. You know I bought it for reliability and it happened to be a cool and sexy car, as opposed to. I bought a cool. sexy car and it happened to be reliable

I have boys, and you know the most compelling when you're a guy who's about a as I was about three two years old reliable. Is it really nice feature, but the sexiness of how it looks works more strongly on you, I just Didn'T- want a non reliable car. There were a number of areas, viable cars from which I could choose. It was the sexy looking one, but a lot of a lot of people got what worked there when the final, so that an the car one So when the dust all settles from this What are you Is this a message to marketers, or is this a message to consumers or both or what are not merely delivering a message so much as I'm delivering a story about how fascinating we are. I begin the book by saying this is a book, I'm thinking as a book about the most fascinating subject on earth.

And we demonstrate our fascinating. We are by the decisions we make and all kinds of decisions we make, and some of my book talks about the movies that we watch. The movie actors that we, like the television, shows that we watch things you don't necessarily think I was buying decisions. The introduction of the beatles to america, and why were they successful because it finance in the was that you could use in whatever way you want to or just to be entertained and charmed by the human race, Why were the beetle so successful here? They did a very good job of making the audience feel that they were singing to them. There was a big part of it all their lives have you lost all the learned from their early albums, their directed to you? They dont think about peggy sue, but they seem to you in it.

I want to hold your hand, so that was a that was a major part of it and then, of course, the incredible brand building publicity that they got just by being on the ed Sullivan show was helpful to them and then went People saw how strong the audience was reacting. They thought there must be something there and we have a tendency. Looked toward others, though, if we fall well, the crowd and the crowd was wowed by them, and we took in that we to win some of that feeling to watching it, but they were very cleverly. They weren't very cleverly marketed it's interesting to note the dick clark that supposedly expert on american pop music at that I'm so that they would never succeed. In has reason for saying that was what I think they will look, what one at that traditional habit, we fall into rats. We find patterns, Emmi, we fall into rule, and there was a real music business at that point, that british acts don't sell and fairly

I wanted the trap of thinking. Well, if british acts hadn't played well here, then this british act a wouldn't. It was just a you know, guilty of that stereotypical thinking, but the american audience didn't care. They were looking for something fresh and new, and especially in the wake of the Kennedy administration. I think and ah, but you know the beatles didn't sing. I want to hold your hand, but they also sang michelle. My belle, hey jude. I mean they did songs about that yeah. Those came later, though, I can listen to lyrics. First, album meet the beatles out within the first two stanzas. They used the word you and almost every single song on the album. Then, once they've once they've built that audience and that's what they were Epstein was trying to say he was trying to say we're. One of you even the title of the album meet the beatles. I mean what an odd idea you know, how does one do that, once they establish themselves, the beatles could sing anything that they wanted and you can't sing about you.

Over and over again, so philip, they change their may change Jonathan their adapted, but that they introduce themselves by my talk. the as. How do you know, though, that you're not just looking at you? No help, products are marketed or how the beatles were marketed and just kind of up with a plausible explanation that fits the success or failure of that particular product. How do you What you're saying is true, I curtain be certain, except that you see this ethnic used an

advertising and marketing all the time. Usa today. Does it malcolm Gladwell, writes books and addresses them specifically to you. We have a great interest in ourselves and when we think some dale carnegie said and many of your readers would would know and how to win friends and influence people. He said the the most beautiful word in the english language to any person has their own name use it often, and- and so you see that again and again, the advertising typically says: do you want this? Do you want that, as if it's speaking to you and the beatles followed the same technique, there was more to the beatles' success than just that.

but that was the explicit strategy on by adapting the part to try to win them over, because he was worried that the court was right well in and with good reason that mean declared did seem to have his finger on the pulse. Well, I'm right away when the kids first heard when he played them on the de clercq at all, they gave it really low ratings. These staff I would rate a record. I remember that yeah I gave it a I'd, give it a nine as he can really dance to it and exactly what we're welcome to dance to it. I think they gave hum and I think it was she loves you and I think they gave it a seventy eight. I have it in the book and I'm not sure of that and when dick clark showed them the pictures of the beatles, they laughed so there are no reaction was extremely negative. Were changed, changed all those influence, those I said, the influences behind them.

actual the audience reaction. The the this invitation to meet these innocent kids. They also had that look of innocence initially about them that made them palatable and they were just different enough. But, interestingly enough, you know they. They sang a lot of familiar songs that were very influenced by american, rock and roll and by by chuck berry or songs weren't really that different? They were actually quite familiar, but there was an unfamiliar element of the britishness and his hair and that a gave them a freshness that or some other american act. Singing similar songs may not well. I didn't want to talk all about the beatles, but it fascinating, but but getting the idea of why, by what I buy, What you are saying is that when I make a decision to buy a car or to buy, you know us can a beans for another, certain kanda beans, there

something else going on beyond just my objective criteria of well. This cars got. You know this, is this an s and this up our doesn't. So that's why I'm choosing this there's more to it than just our objective checklist. I'm not ruling out some object if criteria have at all nor my ruling There are a segment of the population less than ten percent. Who are truly objective, an analytical or who tried try to be big, it's hard to keep your heart out of it, but there are people who do it to a considerable degree, but our hearts always is on for the rest of the other, ninety two percent or whatever it may be its high Our heart is very much in that, and so again it's an act of unthinking. It's it. There are feelings about it. There are associations we have with that product with that color. With the end

but I was by the way, is not the least bit irrelevant to no matter how much we say were not informed by advertising. We are and all those influences compound, and it is more complex than just the the objective characteristic. Of the of the product will maybe just knowing that, knowing there are these other influences that go into our decision making process. Some of which we may not even be aware of my be knowing that will help us make better decisions, back with has been my guest he's a marketing consultant director at back with partners- and he is author of the book unthinking the surprise, forces behind what we buy there's a linked to it, book in the show notes for this episode of the podcast and thanks for being her harry, you know great website can say so much. It can be the focal point of your business or organization or you passion or your hobby, but you're

likely under the impression that building a great website is hard. you ve got to find somebody who knows how to do it in all kinds of things can go wrong and it takes forever, but none of it it's true anymore, not not with square space and comes from my experience, my The company has used squarespace and we have a few more projects in the works you see with we're space. You create your own website from one of their beautiful templates created by world class web designers and everything included, so you customize the look and feel of your site, plus squares, will provide secure hosting for your new website and provide you with extraordinary customer service. Look. I've websites both ways: I've hired the guy- and I ve- square space, and I'm using square space on my next project, You need a website and square space is the way to get it done check out. space, dot com for a free trial, and when you are ready to launch use, the

four code, something battle say: ten percent on your first purchase of a website or domain that sky space dot com and when you are ready, the lodge use the offer code, something to save ten percent So what's for dinner tonight, drive through take out may be some frozen thing in the back of the freezer. You got from the supermarket, all of them options get a little old after a while the other option- and I know you'll like it. If I can just get you to try, it is hello fresh, hello fresh, is where you get farm, fresh, pre, portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes, delivered right to your door, and as someone who uses hello fresh, I am amazed at how many different delicious meals you get to pick from there. Forty recipes and over a hundred add on items you can choose from every week. So you I have to spend all evening in the kitchen to whip up a delicious wholesome meal, in fact with

quick and easy recipes and their fifteen minute meals you get it hasty dinner on the table in law Time then, it takes to get take out or delivery, so here's Here's a little behind the scenes for it. When Hallo fresh first became an advertiser here, they sent me some meals for for free to prepare and try out, but my family. We we love their meal so much. We quickly became paying customers and I'd like to try to hear Great offer, go to hell of fresh dot com, slash fifty something and use code, fifty something four fifths. Percent off plus fifth percent off the next two months. That's hello, a dot com, slash fifty something and use code, fifty something for fifty percent off fifteen percent off the next two months, hello, Fred, america's number one meal kit.

You have no doubt had your share of difficult conversations and you will continue to have difficult conversations throughout your life. So what be great if you could make them go a little easier for once? If they were easier, you might be more likely to actually have them rather than avoid them. So what's the best way to go about having a difficult conversation? How do you do it? less heavily? Is somebody who's really taken a hard look at this celeste? Is the whole? of a daily new show on georgia, public radio, she's, more than a decade with national public radio- and she is author of a book called- we need to talk. How to have conversations that matter: high celeste, welcome What, in your view, makes a difficult conversation difficult

How do you define difficult conversation? Difficult conversations can almost anything can be difficult right, I mean anything in with either your feelings might be hurt or someone else's are or someone has to be. Honourable, can be risky now nationally we're having a problem with a certain issues of those is is race. That's one. We tend to have a lot of trouble talking about. We we have some trouble talking about gender issues and guns. A number one must pay rising issue in the united states. Those are the three topics that we often avoid discussing, and my contention is that that's really hurting us, you know. Are our strategy in the past have been to avoid those things

one of the the cliche of Henry Higgins saying stick to the weather and your health, but that strategy has gotten us where we are now, where we're more more polarized than ever before. Where we're we're, don't understand one another and we're not making any progress. So I I would say that the first thing, the first strategy for difficult conversations is to stop avoiding them well, but one of the reasons people avoid them. One of the reasons I avoid political conversations is I don't I just don't want the blowback. I don't want the the nasty comments. You know you're an idiot kind of for believing what you believe

just rather not, and I absolutely get that often times when we entered into these conversations. Our intent is to change somebody's mind or to challenge what they say, or sometimes it's to just to figure out at all moments, whether we agree with them or not, right that everything single thing they say we're deciding in our heads. Do we agree with that? Or do we not agree with that, and then we tell them that what they think I would I it's much much better if we just set that entire thing aside, set that burden down of trying to educate somebody else

change their mind and instead go into these conversations and intending to learn something from them, because no matter how strongly you disagree with them, you can still learn something from their point of view. You know if you enter these conversations, hoping to change someone's mind, you're, probably destined to be frustrated. That's one of the reasons these these conversations become arguments because it's really hard to change. Somebody else's mind really hard. So the best outcome of these conversations is that you learn more about where they're coming from and and maybe you're able to share your thoughts in a in a non confrontational open way, and so they learn about your perspective and you walk away and perhaps, as you walk away and digest what you've heard

It might end up changing your perspective or change your mind and the same for them. But it's not going to happen because of some great argument that you've made, which is what people think that ah ha I've got you now and and then naturally, and then they, the the big slam dunk here, comes, and the other person says know your that's not true and you're an idiot. So exactly that's exactly the so now, where do you? You have to remember there trying to do the same thing right there also trying to convince you, and so all you're doing is fostered. in each other. Well, exactly that's what these conversations always are. Very frustrating and people both end up leaving. Feeling frustrated and nobody's change, they buddies mind and what was the point of that right and the frankly? I don't think there is the point of that kind conversation. You know you're, like I said, that's all

he's going to disappoint you and anger. You because you will not achieve your goal, but if your goal is to learn something from the other person, you can always one hundred percent of the time, a key that always the problem that the issue here is that we often approach conversations thinking about. How can we change the other person and I don't just mean changed their minds, the most common question I get it. I am. This is everywhere not just the united states is. How do I change someone else's behaviour? How do I stop him from interrupting me? How do I stop them from you know, raising their voice their whatever it is that they are doing, and I always had to say you can't I hate to tell you this, but there's nothing. You can do to change some of whose behavior, but the good news is. You can change your own and research shows us, there's, probably room for improvement there, errand by modeling good conversation

the forestation of and because human beings are already just primed to learn by modeling, you can actually effect change just by doing better yourself being a better listener yourself yourself, using curiosity and good questions put to sustain a civil and an engaging conversation, and the other part of that, of course, You have control over whether you learn something for the other person. Is it your sense that if you up gee conversation in the way. You just suggested that if that helps event it from getting out of control that that, if you model good behavior, the other person is less likely to lose it too. Oh, absolutely and there's really good evidence that I mean I can give you examples from my own life, and one of the things I share in my book is that you know I'm a mixed race person

I moved to Atlanta three and a half years ago. The last time my family was here. We were owned on a plantation near milledgeville ga and I am a journalist which means that when the the massacre happened in charlotte, I had to talk about the flying of the confederate flag. I had to speak to sons of the confederate veteran, then ask them why they felt it was their right and the right thing to do to fly that flag, which was personally offensive to me, but the way that I get through that is going into it, hoping to learn something from them and it didn't become an argument and had nothing but respect for them and, quite frankly, I did learn from them. It was a good conversation and I feel as though I understand better, where they're coming from you know the the jazz me there's a jazz pianist named Daryl Davis, and I I he there's actually a pbs documentary about him. I think it's called accidental courtesy and in his off time, when he's not playing jazz. His heart

is to convince men to leave the kkk and he's really good at it, so good that he he pretty much a dismantled. The kkk operation in the state of maryland think I saw that. I think I saw that yeah and when you ask him when they ask him, how do you do this right? Because he's black, how on earth is this guy convincing people to leave the kkk? He says he doesn't try to convince them. That's the opposite of what he does. What he does is he goes and he listens to them any asked questions and he responds to them and he he says, listen. Sometimes, We'll just want to be heard. They just want to be heard yeah. What? If I remember correctly, I got the sense that that what what was sort of going on there was that he was

black eye, and he be friends these guys in these and an end. So it puts a face on what the k k k is so against an end. They they melt yeah exactly and even when he left her. That's how he befriend son. He ask some questions Not in a not in a confrontational way, but in a curious way, he really wants to know why? What? Where do you come from? Where? Where did this start? Tell me about how you got to this place and- and they are happy to be heard, and it it ends up forming a bond or the kind of bond that most of us have sort of lost touch with, because we're stuck behind these social media platforms, where, like you say, all we do is, is call each other names and you get rewarded for calling people names right, you get more tweets and more

like when you're insulting and carried out a people down right- and I see people that I could probably have a conversation with, but they tweet stuff and and post stuff on facebook that is so inflammatory and probably things they would never say face to face, but they behind that or that than that that their hiding somehow that they use that platform to to make these very bold and provocative statements that they probably would never do in person absolutely different persona, and I like to think of it, is as code switching code. witching. Obviously you is what we do. We become a slightly different person reality in every environment and rent right, you're different when you speak at home with your partner or spouse than you are, when you speak with your kids or your friends from high school or at work right, so that's normal,

and that's what we're doing when we go and social media were codes, witching and switching into this different personality, the fat part. Is it not a particularly pleasant code? It's it's, not nice and I too and that's another thing: you're not going to be able to change like that's what social media is. So I think it's just healthier for us to just recognise that. That's what social media is recognised, that that's the kind of person that other people become and that, frankly, we probably become as well and so leave social media alone. If you want an actual connection with a human being call them on the phone or or see them in in person, the average american at that spend almost a half an hour, a texting and only six minutes on the phone yeah. That's all that is crazy. It sounds like you're saying that that right then go into a conversation with the the goal. You'll, never reach of changing the other person's mind go in with

Different expectations go in, don't make that the goal, because that's probably never going to happen. It that's exactly right and that's why you get frustrated. That's why the other person gets frustrated and that's how it lead to arguments. You have this goal in mind and you keep pushing for it and it tends to make you more argumentative and it makes the other personal argumentative. It's not.

Working for you, I'm and so you're you're, just constantly trying to hammer in a screw, so instead choose a goal that you can achieve and- and you know, coincidentally, that goal that you can achieve, and by that I mean learning something about another person. Had all these other benefits for our mental health or emotional health and our brains. You know listening to somebody else. Talk about their own personal experience is one of the most effective ways we know of to increase your empathy, it's one of the ways that you actually become smarter in a larry

king once said. You'll learn enough. I will learn nothing from what I say today. I can only learn by listening to other people. So what is this about? The mere presence of a cell phone hurts a conversation. How can that? What is that? How can that be? I'm not here. We actually know why. The the that what we have are these particular studies and I'll mention just one that occurred in the uk and they had a whole bunch of people come in stranger, sit down and talk to each other and in half of those conversations they placed a cell phone on the table didn't belong to either of the people didn't make any noise, but what they discovered was that when they, when those people came out- and they asked him about the conversation, they were like over sixty percent, more likely to say when the cell phone is present, that the other person was an empathetic untrustworthy and unlikable. So even when the cell phones just present it's having an effect on our brains, we don't have the answer:

two why or how that mechanism works. We do know, though, that your brain is distracted by your phone, even when it's making no noise. You know, you know, that's true, because I just the other day I forgot to take my phone with me. I left it at home and everything was done, because since I didn't have it. It was like I can relax. Now I mean I can't check my mail. I can't check my so so we just like life was easier right, yeah and in fact there are logically speaking, it was easier with easier to poke s got your brain power. One thing there about your phone what else affects our conversations. Things like that that may be, we don't even realize, has an effect

if we knew maybe could help things go a lot easier. So one of the things it is that we have a hard time focusing on what other people are saying and the reason for that is that our brains are constant motion. You know people say clear your mind, which is just crap. You cannot it's impossible to clear. your brain is thinking all the time we, the average person, the average speed at which a person speak. This we're around one hundred and fifty words permitted, but your brain can think between four and four hundred and fifty words permitted so with feeling in all those other words right, as the other person is speaking, and sometimes those thoughts or more interesting than what we think we think and we get distracted by them. They pull us, and so we stopped listening and we're just thinking about what we're going to say. Next

an end, that's one of the major obstacles for us in listening to other people. You know Stephen covey said you know we're always listening not with the intent to under and but we listened with the intent to reply and that's one of the biggest issues and that blocking us from haven't you conversations well. I like your message, and I really think that that people have to think about it. If the point of going into a conversation is to try, to change somebody else's mind. It's almost desk. To fail, because a conversation is unlikely to do it going into learn, that's a whole other story and you ve given some great strategies to do that so lestat he's been my guest her book is. We need to talk, how to have conversations that matter and there's a link her book in the show notes. Thank Celeste thanks. I might have a good one.

Not to take the buzz out of your evening cocktail, but there are a few drinks. You should be a little wary of four exam oh jack and diet coke, the artificial, sweeteners in diet, soda ease the path of alcohol to the small intestine, according to research from northern kentucky university. As a result, people who drank hard liquor, mixed with diet, soft drinks, just at higher blood alcohol concentrations than people who drank liquor mixed with non diet, mixers red bull in vodka. The high costs being content in energy drinks like red bull, offset the sedative quality of the alcohol there did you can drink a lot of red bull in vodka with feeling, like your hammered wise, a problem because you drink a lot of it, you are hammered, but you're still more likely to drive swimmer. Take other risks. You normally wouldn't because you think you're fine

brown liquor most liquors contains something called conjurers. It's a natural but slightly toxic by product of the fermenting process, but dark colored cars like bourbon and whisky have about three times more of these organic molecules, then vibe gene or other clear liquor as a result will feel more hung over after drinking dark booze according to research from brown, university and fight more liquor while more Liquor makes up less than three percent of the beer sold in the? U s us from John hopkins university, found that roughly forty six percent of people admitted to the e r for alcohol related injuries in a year had been drinking malt liquor. Sit typically contains more alcohol than regular beer, but it's clear, why drinking it the more likely to end up in the emergency road and that something you should know

we ve been getting a lot of new facebook and twitter followers, and I invite you to join them. If you have not already, because we publish not only what is in the show, but we publish a lot of additional intel and information that doesn't make into the show that I think you'd find interesting. So please Follow us on facebook and twitter. You can always email me at mike at something you should know that met. I microbes thanks for listening today to something you should know: stacking benjamin's with Joe and his good friend algae. Not only has great financial insight, its lay back with humour to the le pen's, oh say much survey I wanted to know: was it really cheaper to around bag it every day or was it cheaper to go through these school lunch? The most expensive sandwich of all forty six percent increase is the first time in a sandwiches ever touched five bucks before anybody gags on at them. It's a great sandwich find out more by searching the stacking benjamin's pie cast wherever you listen