Oh hi, exact peter. Your new favorite pop culture guru serving you the hottest t three times a week from the latest news on the real housewives, deep dived, into celebrity legal scandals, unfiltered compost with your favorite stars and, of course, the ladys from vander pump land. I've got you covered and new episodes at the podcast are now available in video on spotify, and they don't just let anybody do video, but this platinum blood has won them over. So if you want the latest news from the ultimate t spilling professional tune in to new filter with zack feeder, that's no filter with Zack peter on your favorite podcast app. Now you could inspire your partner, you can curried your partner, you trigger your partner- promise you, by the end of us doing what we're gonna be doing here, you will inspire your partner to behave and think and feel indifferent ways, but

I think you can control them yet I have trouble controlling yourself. The Ok, I thought is a really good addition to our series relate. Chip reality check. I had opportune to sit down with doktor just lay military's phd and he has written a great book. Tell me what you want: the science of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life and every but he wants to improve their sex life. I don't care how good it is right. I mean everybody wants to do that. I would agree with you. How did you get into this particular arena? So this book is an exploration into the science of sexual fantasies and desires and that something that's been of interest to me. For a long time. I'd say ten years as a college, sex educator, teaching human sexuality courses to college students around the country- and I just found that the good

equalizer, among all students, by their there in the ivy league or in a big public institution. Is that nobody knows any more about sex than anyone else and royal. I wanted you're not gonna. Take that approaching added to a larger audience here. We always say that america, compared to the rest of the world, is kind of puritanical. Is that he drew absolutely really it's funny that we We live in a culture where sex is all around us. We see it everywhere in the media. We see it in advertising and in peace from the outside and look at us and think that, where a pretty sexual and open culture, but when you start looking at the way people actually talk about sex. You see that were very repressed and we have that pure Hannah baggage in history that still dragging on us and waterways, I'm not in practice anymore. I was in practice for twelve fifteen years and it's been a long time since I did it then when I did even the privacy of the therapists room.

where everything was supposedly protected and people could be, Frank and honest people would say get red faced, dig their toe in the carpet, not want to make eye contact when it came to talking about sex and if you'd started talking to them about sexual fantasies, roleplaying any kind of expressing what they were thinking about, but not giving a voice. It was Oh my god I mean. Sometimes you bring it up and never see him again. David has never come back. They were just too embarrassed why is that in his country, because it's not that way in france, it's not that way in most of europe, which is where I spent a fair amount of time. Why are we that way? What you're saying reminds me of a point they make in the book, which is that people find it easier to have sex than to talk about saddle? Absolutely that is, is such a big problem, and I think there are lot the fingers that we can point to an and blame, and you know we can look at that, the history of others for in this country, but actually

mental health community has done a lot in terms of advertising a lot of sexual interests that people have, for example, that term paraphernalia, which remains an unusual sexual interest. We have labelled many, different desires is terrific over the years, which makes people think that there's something wrong with them. If it's unusual people feel like the disorder or a problem, and it turns out that a lot of the things we ve labelled as paraphernalia are actually pretty normal sexual interest. That's one of the things look out in the book, is it on the largest survey of Four fantasies ever conducted the united states in one of the things. I find, for example, that we long thought Where that's really comment is interest in media salmon power play when it comes to sex. Very common. Will you talking? book about the seven most common fantasies in america, talking but some of those are in common. They really are.

Sure so. The first of these is multi partners, acts, which means three sums for sums, are more sums and what they found was that more than ninety percent of men and women of all orientations and backgrounds reported fantasizing about this at some point the media. Some power and control fantasies were also extraordinarily comment. You know high eighties low. Ninety percent we'll fantasizing about it. Some of the other really common fantasies, her than now teen adventure fantasies where people are taking sex out of their own bed and thrown bedroom and just mixing it up and doing something different, then say something different, only talking about different places in the home or out in public or what is the fantasy, so puppet, x is actually one of the really big ones. If not the people actually want to have sex in public and be seen, they just want that risk or potential thrill of life. You know being caught how much do they act on it advantage not alive. So a couple of statistics for you when I ask people about their

the fantasy of all time. Eighty percent of them said that they want to act on that fantasy in the future, which means its desire for them. However, Only one in five people said that they ve ever actually done that before. So there does this very big gap, beach in fantasy and reality what are some of the others from the other advance it aims at the taboo fantasies. We know that when people are told They can't or shouldn't do something that makes them come to want to do it even more. So that's where a lot of the fetish sorts of fantasies come in right then the passion and romance fantasies where people are meeting some emotional need, whether its connecting with a partner or feeling desired or wanted then there are the non monogamy fantasies where people are thinking about. It would be like to be polymerized sore and an open relationship and- and then lastly, there sorted that the gender bending inamorata system fantasies where people are sort of push, the boundaries of their gender role or sexual orientation in some way of her people come on

and talk a lot about open marriages. I have you- to find one didn't wind up is a train wreck, have you ever run across. Formula that works? in an open marriage. So it can work ireland. I gotta hear that so I have actually done a bit of research in the last few years on people who are in and types of open relationships, and really what we see is that people in these relationships can be just as happy as is couples who are monogamous but they are always- and I think that really key factor is that a lot of people, I hope in their marriage as a way of fixing a broken marriage and that usually never works out. Well so the relationship really has to be a good place. First, you have to approach this from a position of strength and there has to be fantastic, patient between the partners and the beyond the same page about what they want and cod,

establish the rules and then also recognise that you know things my go exactly according to plan. Maybe we're going to deal with issues like jealousy and so forth, and we have to be willing to communicate openly about them to work through that. So my formula for a healthy relationship is you got here good marriage or just committed relationship, then asked me: based on a solid underlying friendship and then it's a function of how well it meets the needs of the two people involved, so if you are in a relationship with a matter whether its friends or marriage or whatever, if when a relationship and mine you're getting met at with eighty five percent and yours you're getting met at a level of ten percent. Then, spirits of the relationships. Can we really good and yours you gonna be really bad, but if both of us are having our needs met, and then I say you ve got to jobs. One

is to really work actively to learn your partners needs an too is to teach actively your partner. What your needs are, then you ve got people working towards each other, I'm working too. you two trying learn your needs, an teach you mine and you're working towards me trying to learn my needs and teach me yours. Then you got people working towards each other learning and teaching each other. What their needs are. Then that's a formal for a good relationship that make sense absolutely makes sense to me and if that's happening there, needs are being met. Then you would ask yours then why would you open a relationship bring in an interloper and you're, cause when something's wrong. I said you, we're gonna fix a relationship. turning away from your partner.

But you're saying if everything is working well, that's when you see at work it's when it can work, and this is where I think we need to get into the personalities of the individual partners, open relationships, polly emory. This is not right for everyone for lots. People monogamy as great works out really well one thing that I often point too, as a personality factor that matters is what's called your socio sexual orientation, which is basically the degree to which you see sex and emotion, is going together. Some people see miss barry, much intertwine for other people, their supper of old and for the people who see those things is different. They are put she'll candidates for some type of open relationship remarriage, because their less likely to have all of the extra emotion tangle, mentioned complications that are going to arise from bringing a third person or other person it so you're saying did they dont, look at emotion and sex is being intertwined. going hand in hand there more likely to be able to

successfully have an open marriage. Yes yeah I've always wondered how you bring that up, not that I want to bring it up case, robin this thing I one legged earlier, but always wondered how you bring that up around the table, because I can tell you at my house that would get Why have you sitting around the breakfast table say by the way? What would you say About me, I don't know sex with other people. I dont think I would get from the e at the end of people through the period at the end of the citizens, without getting published in a base. How do you bring that up? I don't know how it would work as it is. Actually, a big part of the book is talking about. How do you have these difficult conversations with a partner about your sexual fantasies and desires, and you don't want to do it at the breakfast table when you're catch in your partner in a sort of very

You know not sexual kind of state, so I talk a lot about how you gonna pick the right time and setting to have these conversations. Ideally your both no kind of in the mood to talk about sex. He just wants to see me movie together, for example, its finding the right icebreaker to have the conversation and then starting low and going very slow. You dont indicate all your adventure, some fantasies out there right away its start with the more vanilla side and work up to it as you build trust and intimacy in communication I dunno, I guess we have sex and emotion intertwined at our house, cause there. This wouldn't play and hey. This is one of these things where there's no right answer and different things, work for different people and it's just finding what best meets the needs of the partners I been levelling up. My focus with word collect word: collect Is my new favorite game. It's a word puzzle, lap and it's free

collect has over two thousand levels. So trust me, you never get bored playing now right now worked collect is offering you twenty five hundred coins and five hundred gems when you download and play look keeping my mind, sharp and I like keeping my memory sharp and those two things kind of go together. I love playing word, collect and finding words as quickly as I can, because it really causes you to focus and work. Challenges me my mom does it wander, it doesn't drift. You No. I like a challenge. So stop me, leslie scrolling through social media and looking after reading things, you could care less about and actually do Things too sharp in your cognitive skills just go to. or google store and search for word collect if you're like me and you want to get fit, mind and body download word collect for free today, can you know the most popular answers to five items, you might find on work disk? What about

the occasions where people might give a gift pure answers only fun. trivia is free mobile trivia game with over sixty different categories, including music, tv animals and celebrities? It? choose the most popular answers to each question and beat the clock move on to the next level and if you live, trivial like I do. You love fun. Frenzy trivia now I think I know a lot about this. But when the pressures on and the clock taking your mind? and cut it frees up on you and you better at this across time. You work well under pressure. Looking for something in your brain that may be buried ten levels down, I think you're going this so download Fun frenzy trivia today to challenges just go the apple or google store and search for fun frenzy. Trivia. Here's a trivial question: how many times have I said, but frenzy trivia without messing about download button frenzy trivia for free today, get ready to fletcher

These skills, like me now, hopefully better than me, talk about this correct me if I'm I am saying this in a way that doesn't comport with what research, researchers, because I want people to hear what's empirically supported. This is system way, I express it. So it's not something that research base, but people have asked me how important sexes to a relationship of all he said if you ve a good sexual relationship, it's about ten percent, and if you don't It's about ninety percent. And I say that because if you have a good such a relationship, then you enjoy it you're relaxed. You feel comfortable accepted, secure, validated desire all the things that come along with that and If you don't, then you feel rejection, you don't feel valid

did you don't feel desired and you can't get past that, and the reason I say is ten percent of you habit is because, ok, you got I shall move on everything else, but if you dont, haven't you get on to come occasion. You can't get onto shared experiences, because you ve got a chip on your shoulder all the time, because you're feeling rejected that makes sense and that's one of these things about what what is a good sex life and how do you and your partner get on the same page about it, and I think this is what, these things where we need to go into relationships realistically and saying you know you established sexual compatibility up front, but that doesn't mean you're gonna be compatible overhead our course of your lives. Things are going to change sexual desire discrepancies where one partner once more, were different sex than the other. Biggest reason. People see saxon relationship therapy and its because we encounter life stressors end

the hormonal changes over the course of time that affect our sexual desire? And so we have to understand that we need a continually check in with our partners over time to make sure we're getting those needs met. We also need did not make a problem the comparison to other people sex lives, because I think a lot of people feel insufficient like they're not having enough sex because they see people in the movies and tv year. They think their neighbours are doing it all the time and when people get so obsessed on quantity, sex, that's where start to see problems focused more and quality and making sure you're having the best sex, not the most sex. Is there an average where people without an empty, tell the truth and instead of being much about it Is there an average for different age groups or different links of marriage, and if so, what are they, the sort of overall average is about once a week There are some interesting research looking at how sexual frequency is related to our happiness, and what we see is that sex and happiness

both increase up until once per week, but having more than once per week, doesn't make people any happier really. Think, that's a really interesting and worthwhile point the kind of hammer home that more sex won't necessarily make you happier do. You know, there's some books out there, the challenge people to have sex every day. That's that as a thoroughly a good way to go, because then sex starts to become this chore, something people feel like they have to do instead of something they want to do. I've had couples that are trying to have a child So they're having sex when she's are lighting based honoured body, temperature and stuff, like that, any it becomes a chore. They really lose interest because it becomes a chore right is no longer spontaneous. It's no longer sexy fun. It's a job and sometimes they never recover from it, because it loses all of its spontaneity in sizzle, but once a week, if they ve been married, beers? Ten years twenty five years yes

definitely changes over time or what we see is that sexual frequency increases over the first year of a relationship and then attends to dig after that so in younger couples. You'll see sex more often than once a week and order couples it'll be less often less often doesn't necessarily mean their less satisfied, though, because what makes ex satisfying changes as we age and people placed emphasis on the connection with the partner- and I It becomes less about the orgasm in physical gratification, realists thickly? What percentage of the time do me and women have orgasms. So this something called the the orgasm gap right because we know the men have orgasms on average, more often than women, for me it's it's in the nineties. Some per cent usually around ninety five percent. As this that I see in most studies for women

It depends on what kind of relationship it is. So if it's a marital relationship relationship, I want to say it's. It's sort of the two thirds in about sixty six percent of women report can and having orgasms? If you came out in dating relationships are casual relationships, the numbers or even lower than that. We're gonna, for example, with a one time hook up, the odds of a woman having an orgasm unit for like a college woman is about one in three, so relaxed lower is as of anxiety. I think up. Does this big part of There are specific learning, and so what we see is that the more the sexual spear since that address such a woman has of the male partner or her odds of orgasm go up Another part of it is that you know sort of in the hookup culture in other side of this prioritization of male over female pleasure, and so, when you get into a relationship where there's more equality, then there's more emphasis placed female pleasure important is it for partners to talk?

each other about what they ll. I can don't like what works for them and doesn't work for them. That's probably up, your question and communication is always good. sometimes of in character was that have been together for twenty years and hair never had a conversation about I really don't like it when you do that, or I really like it when you do this dependence? twenty years, so they probably had sex. At least fifty a year. In about a lot of encounters and yet have never one time, given each Is there any direction suggestion or whatever? Is there a right way and a wrong way to do that where it doesn't cross his criticism and how important is it it's very important This is something I talk a lot about in the book. Is I find that the people?

who are communicating about their fantasies with their partners and those who are going the extra step and acting on their fantasies report. highest levels of sexual satisfaction, the highest relationship. Satisfaction, the fewest sexual faculties and problems on average. Those bore thriving when they have that open communication, so it is really important. Mean that you have to act on every fantasy that you have made a totally individual decision that that's up to you and your partner and whether that's right for you, but for the where there is that communication they're doing really well and in terms of how you have that conversation, the framing issue is absolutely essential. You can't bring it up as criticism, and one of the things I talk about a lot is when you sheriff he's with a partner you wanna, validate your partner in the process. Talk about how

if the partner plays an integral role in your fantasies and how you find them very sexy and attractive to begin with- and you know this is a way of just augmenting your sex life for both of you, it's not about you and it's not about replacing your partner. It's about having this shared experience together, you've got a book. That's only. table when you go into our man sweet and. the saying is probably been not everything right on it? Love sees not with the eyes of this theory, it's like watching us you get a puppy You don't notice it growing and in some way that hasn't seen it for six weeks comes, as is my caught him. Where did you get that monster I've had it? theory that, when you with some one every day You don't notice them aging. Is that true There is truth that, and you also don't notice how

necessarily how their sexual needs and desires are changing either, because these are constantly evolving over the course of our lives. Something I looked at in the book is how our actual fantasies changes we age in. What I see is that as people get, especially as they enter their fortys and fifty's their fantasies much more adventure. Some then, they were when they were in their toys, and earlier really we tend to think of college students. As you know, the I perceptual ones who are having three sons and not be now its people in their fortys and fifty's fewer early august adventure seven, so that their couples who are checking in with each other. You might not realize tat kinky, your partner has become because you never had those congregate, alabama ceuta and that's why you dont want to delay the conversation forever just in terms of age,

how long do people stay sexually active in this day and time sixty seventies eightys it you see that in the data is that sexuality is lifelong. Yes, it decreases over time. People are less, I could have sex and there are sixty seventies and eighties, but most people it it midlife and you know in their sixties, are still sexually active. It first to drop alphabet more in seventies and beyond, but I think part of that is attributable to the fact that we just don't tend to see seniors as sexual beings and run that's a that's a problem wade, sexuality becomes very stigmatized thing and no one wants to talk about it, but the sexual desires are still there and I think we need to have a lot more discussions about

You're such a reality, the andes, less you know and trust is now angie and where so much more than just a list, we still cannot deal with top local prowess and show you ratings and reviews. But now we also let you compare up from prices on hundreds of projects and focused service instantly. We can even handle the rest of your project from start to finish so remember. Andy's list is now Angie and we're here to get your job done right, get started at angie, dot com, that's Angie, I or download the act today. Oh hi exact Peter your new favorite pop culture, guru Servan, you the hottest to you three times a week

from the latest news on the real housewives, deep dived into celebrity legal scandals, unfiltered combo with your favorite stars and, of course, the ladys from vander pump land, I've, gotcha covered and new episodes at the podcast are now available in video on spotify, and they don't just let anybody do video, but this platinum blonde has won them over. So if you want the latest news from the ultimate t spilling professional tune in to new filter with Zack Peter, that's no filter woods, peter on your favorite podcast apt now of real about this has been a long time since I have but latency between sexual. This action for the male versus the female. things like the last time get the research for man. It was like for five minutes and for women? It was like fifteen or twenty seven. like there is that still hold true based

and the most recent data I've seen? Yes, you know they've done studies where they give men stop watches. You know, ask them to record. You know from penetration to orgasm how long it takes on average. It's five minutes for women. It's it's. Definitely in that sort of fifteen minute mark, and so there's that big, gap there, and we need to think about ways of how do we address that to ensure that everyone's getting their needs man, so suggestions are being held Do you feel that gap and do you fill the gap between? him in her or do you feel that gap before at a time I mean, I suppose, that's where foreplay comes in, so you get there at about the same time or do you failed between him and her. Is there a best way to do that? What's the research say, so this is where it's going to take some experimentation on your part to figure out what works best for you and your partner there's. Never a in a sort of one size fits all answer, so one approach is to add more foreplay

incorporating more sexual activities in into the max? What we see is that the more different activities people engage end during a sexual encounter. The girl are their odds of orgasm. So some mixing up to indifferent things is really key. also not looking at the male orgasm is a sign that sex is over. Right. There are still You can do afterwards. Other activities, you kidding, incorporate an experiment with sex toy. As you know, all kinds of ways, You could go to prolong the encounter beyond the male orgasm and then there are also different sexual positions. You can try one that I talk about a lot on my blog. is that it's called the coil alignment technique that sort of a different way of having sex where the basis they'll partners, penis stays in constant contact with the clearest, and so what we see is that that position increase is the odds of simultaneous orgasm, and if you can, you know sort of take that approach, then that works for some, All right survey wise. What's two percent age of couples, origin different for men or women better

trouble with using like vibrator ashore. Other too of sex toys; where's that down in acceptability between men and women. So sure thing when you look at research from nationally representative samples. Most men and women have tried sex toy as before, but something that no one really talks about right. It is something that, in my book, surveyed, people about in a fantasies about sex toys. Most people have had those at some point and we see that most people are trying them at some point, but people are talking about it, so I think that there is the openness there, but you're not gonna, know at unless are communicating with your partner or men. written by the use of a vibrator or something like that some are in. If they are, they shouldn't be because you know you shouldn't be threatened, he's of machinery is gonna. Take your place now sex. about so much more than just a mechanical act. It's it's the the connection you have with your partner and all these other things that go into that, make it so

spying in any relationship, you know, you're gonna have a relationship with your sex toy bob ray. You can't keep her feet warm that's, no go up with vibrator. No, no doubt about it. The book we're talking about if you're, getting into this conversation mid way for some reason is tell me what you want. The science of sexual desire in halleck help you improve your sex life, this as part of the relationship reality check. the series I'm doing, which I subtitled, how much fun or you to live with it. the things I've done is Talk about some myths that I wanted to blow up, and I talked about romance and I talk about sex, whether sexes important whether romances important one of them. Areas that I've propounded is that sex. The actual act oftentimes

In fact, I thought about it in the last storm until I did they ve gotta have sex on denied that that I'd actually start. Tuesday morning. Getting the kids off or whatever just a little more eye, contact or body tagged as time goes on about be an extra call to each other's work or something and then wednesday morning the key, good, buys a little bit longer or whatever, and in unspoken, just canada, the you're, getting off to bed a little sooner it all. The starch ramping up sometimes a day or two ahead of time. Is that a norm among people or is it always spontaneous? I would say that

it's not necessarily the norm, but that's actually the advice. I give a lot of people write a lot of people. Have this tendency to think that scheduling sex makes it unsexy right? If you know that sex is going to happen on Wednesday night like it's, it's boring it's predictable, but The truth of the matter is that you can build up the anticipation and make that process sexy into exactly the things that you're talking about maybe you're, also sending you know. It's actually text messages here and there is well. It's just maybe its eyes for tuesday he now it is something that that you can build up, for a time and in that works for a lot of couples, especially couples where there is a desire discrepancy, partner once more sex and the other scheduling it. This way and sort of building up the anticipation for it actually helps to resolve problems for a lot of these couples. Is there a particular. Seduction procedure action language the currency or whatever, that women

respond to in this day and time more than some other? We always talk about applies or whatever, but once you're in a relationship is there something that is a better way protein than another well one funny side, sorry about pick up plans, have actually seen some research looking at, which pick up plans, work and which ones down and. you going to tell our lives this, so it's kind of surprising, but it turns out that the lines that both men and women rate is being most effective in most successful are just that hi. How are you it's the very basic stuff and when people Thirty years pick up lines where well, you know using these these corny cheesy things that the what's your sign, the I I you know also that that's the sort of nagging approach where you know some guys do this, where they try to lower a woman's self esteem relative to theirs. Thinking that that's going to

You know make her more likely to say as the reality that those things don't work there. Universally rated is as being very poor, pick up lines, and it is the simple approach just that the high hello showing interest and then also a compliment say something nice about the other person, and I think that that that complement approach also works when it came back to the ongoing relationships, its You know making sure that you're always validating your partner when you're starting these conversations about saxon sank every his great. I find you really attractive. We have this exciting sex life. What if we tried And then you know, maybe this with these then that we'd both like an enjoy. What advice on couples that have kids in the house, myspace has been it's usually the woman really wants privacy assured some parents really feel like they have to be in the same county is their kids. I guess skills back to the primacy-

in freud, and all of that, what's your advice, parents carving out that private time when they might live in a twelve hundred square foot house with three kids right. I think the first part is to relax and say you know if your kids find out that you're having sex, that's, not going to ruin them or break them right if you're worried about them. Walking in on you get a good luck, but on the door there ways of countering that I think the other part is well if you're really really concerned about this. In your, you absolutely can't do a while your kids from the house, Are there other times a day that you in your partner could save me over lunch at home, and have a mid afternoon sort of encounter. There are lots of ways around ass for those with more financial means, its hiring a sitter and, having date nights, it just figuring out something works, where you can still have that sexual relationship and not letting kids, ended right, Utah Can your book about the large survey ever

where their surprises in there for you and what are cause you eve taught this she studied it, which means you ve, discuss this with group after group after group, so Everything has been on the table where their things had jumped out at you were there surprises and what worley by should take it sex researcher. Very, surprises me any more, but some of the things that are our really interesting were first that men and women actually had a lot in common when it came to it actual fantasies. You know we have these stereotypes about what men want and what women want, and you know yes, on average, there are some differences, but for the most part, things that or fantasizing about the same things that women are fantasizing about, and vice versa and that's ultimately good news, because it means that we're gonna have a lot in common. When it comes to you just starting these conversations about fantasies and desires, another and it was really interesting- was that age peace that we talked about. Almost all the research on sexual fantasies has been based on college students and if we went up

stand human sexuality, we can't just study eighteen to twenty two year olds. We need to look at people across the lifespan, and I surveyed people between the ages of eighteen and eighty seven and I was asked that are fantasies and desires of considerably over I'm and we need to pay more attention to that. For example, some key watch, pornography together and the couples who watch together are actually more sexually satisfied because they're using pornography as a way of adding some novelty and excitement into their relationship. So I think what that suggests that maybe we should stop about pornography is the sort of private shameful thing. The p do in private but rather think What are their ways that couples can use this together to add some novelty to their relationship right, but people judge that they feel guilty about people feel guilty about poor. They feel guilty about their sexual fantasies rang really- and this is one of the biggest things that prevents people from talking about their fantasies. Is it feel, shame in guilt and one of the things I

people was for their favorite sexual fantasy of all time to estimate what percentage of the population they think also has that fantasy they found was that most people, dressed unmated how common their fantasies were and the rarer they thought there. Fantasy was the more shame and guilt and anxiety and embarrassment they felt about it. So that's where we need it in a sort of normalize, a sexual fantasies. How people understand are not alone in having them. You don't need to feel shame about it and be able. Have an open conversation about it, we'll. How do we communicate that its difficult? Sometimes broach the subject We should have you on DR phil and talk about the most common and maybe some of the not so common, she'll fantasies just so people here it there. Because then they'll think ok. I thought it was just me up there come get me if I ever said this out loud. We really you talk about their yeah, I'm definitely

until we do have shelter. We say that this is going to be section explicit than we do that if we have something is dealing with more. station or we have sat in this vote. Whence or whatever, like domestic violence, if it's gonna be graphic inside home, is something where children shouldn't. Why should we put that up at the front of the show about it, but we should do that. We should talk about that. So people can identify that they're, not weird in some way, because they have that fantasy, and I think a lot of people would be surprised to learn that attacks on a very small number of fantasies that are statistically rare, most of it Is that your fantasizing about our things that other people are fantasizing about? Two and you don't have a reason to feel weird or ashamed or embarrassed about that? I think that would work people, feel a lot better if they knew that, we should do that and that's ultimately my goal and with this book and with other works and writings, I do as this ted cannot normalized this for people so that they can have those open conversations and build

happier and healthier relationships? What about and I'm asking all the questions? I think people would ask so and if I don't ask some the new tell me once I should bastard I didn't how come is it for people to take pictures during sex or set up a video camera and shoot what they're doing and then once they do, they ever look at it. So I can think of any studies that would have you know what sort of give us a data point on exactly how common that behaviour, as I know that it is common, I asked people whether they ve ever fantasized about in a video You're filming themselves during saxon gathered is a very common sexual fantasy. A lot of people are turned on by that some people core themselves, and then they watch. That is a form of pornography right and instead of watching traditional foreign, they find it much harder to to watch themselves or their partner. Now, certainly, there are risks when it comes to. You know filming

yourself during sex were how do you maintain control over who has access to it? information, so you know you to balance the excitement. Factor that comes from that, with the potential risks of that information being shared, particularly in this day and time when you can have just about anything and people that vegas and check into these rooms with mirrors on the ceiling and stuff. Not me I don't even want to shiny floor bathrobe seriously. I don't even want glassy marble, my bathrooms, like no other, you wherewithal bears overlap, but do they like that too? like mirrors, and the that sort of thing is that in common, yeah, and you know that something that for some people is very rousing, but for others there for people who might be more body just were easily distracted. You know that might not be a good addition to the better use of it

take myself plan to this one time? And I never do that again- oh god, others, If she moved to shut myself playing tennis, some people also, you know they watch it as a way of thinking. Well, how can I get better at this, and so I'd say you know the different ways that you could use that potentially yeah do couples. fantasize about their own partner. During sex is that one of the fantasies This is gonna, surprise people I asked people who appears in the actual fantasies and the one person who is more likely to appear in your fantasies than any one else is your current romantic are really if you're, in a relationship if you're single it's actually next partner. Really we have tendency to think that you know how

Always thinking about celebrities and the rich and famous- and you know these unattainable people, but the reality is that more often than not we're fantasizing about our partners, which I think should be reassuring and comforting to a lot of people, would think so yeah. Now, that's not to say that it's a bad thing, if you fantasize about other people, write that just because somebody has a fantasy about someone who isn't their partner doesn't mean that they're unhappy, it doesn't mean they're, not attracted to their partner. So if you have fantasies about other people, that's that's! Ok, okay! What why wouldn't that offend apart I would say of guys having a sexual encounter with his wife and his fantasizing about marilyn Monroe, for example, on using some others no longer round, because I know I'll have you thought I d say somebody is alive so either fantasize about marilyn Monroe. Why not offend the wifi, I don't satisfy you actually figurative lisa thing about somebody else was, as some people are often

when they find out that their partner fantasize about other people, some people consider that to be a form of cheating. Some people think that if a partners watching porn, even if you know that inform other masturbating. They consider that to be a form of cheating. So this is something where different people look at it in different ways, but I think the important thing for people to tell and recognise and understand is that beings are wired for now multi right something bit psychologists call the coolidge, a fact which refers to the idea that For a time we experienced less arousal in response to the same sexual stimulus of, for example, if somebody watches the same porn clip every day for a week, become less aroused each time they watch it, but you show them a nuclear bomb. New actors, aroused back up, and so that's where they fantasies about other people command. Is that it's just a way of interjected some novelty road, brought up masturbation. What is the frequency of masturbation between men and women and differences between age groups, so men

I do it more often than women, but the majority of both men and women do it and it's something that that changes over time. I met tend to started at a younger age than women do and Older men are more likely to do it. You know, than older women, and so it so there's are sorted. This persistent gender difference over time masturbation is also very often present in relationships, and we shouldn't view masturbation as a sub. As you know, necessarily being a sign that there is something wrong and the sex life, it's ok, if your partner to return engages in self pleasure for most people masturbation is a compliment to enact sex life, rather than a substitute, so the partner shouldn't think well. They rather. Do that and be with me: yeah! Don't take it personally, it's not about you write in it's! Ok, if your partner, just sometimes just wants to masturbate

instead of having sex, because there could be all kinds of reasons, why maybe that they don't feel like a partner encounter rate than it doesn't necessarily reflect on you or say, there's anything wrong with the relationship. I think we need not take partners self pleasure, so so personally, yeah I've talked a lot about ourselves and in our marriages. Let's talk about the kids for a minute. What I was growing up. There were reach channels Abc Nbc and there whereas a lotta censorship I who still waiting for Matt Dylan the kiss kitty. Still hasn't happened. I mean desi and lucy went to bed. They were asked in snow suits. They ve slept in twin beds, that's what I grew up looking at now on network television the sexually provocative com that's one liners in sitcoms, just what is visually shown. Probably

They been considered pornography in the fifties and sixtys but now they are exposed all this and there like two clicks away from is on the internet, causing kids to have sex earlier and if so, what's the impact so. This is something I here all the time and and we you know stories in the media here and there about in a fifth grade- his cot having sex at school, or you know very kids, staying you know, sending naked photos and other things like that, the truth of the matter is that that's actually not comment and if you look at average age of first sexual intercourse, it's been very stable over the last couple of days. it's it's sixteen to seventeen, so the kids are now on average having sex at a younger and younger age, and Actually, if you look at the data, kids today are having less sex. In generations passed so does that we hear about college hook up culture and so forth

the reality of the data is very different from that that sort of media narrative we hear about your are hooking up all the time now there actually having less acts with fewer partners than they were a couple of generations ago and teenage pregnancy levels are going down. There are ya because you're having less sex or more birth control, so that they are both Potential explanations there, so teen birth rate is actually at a record low. The tin abortion rate is going down. All of these things are decreasing. Part of it is due to great Access to contraceptives, but the other part is just there's less sex happening to. I did. a study and I can't see It fell out, they say middle school and early high school kids having sex and they no considered. or call for sexually transmitted diseases up, they were completely ignoring that aspect of which is pretty danger.

When you think about it absolutely and you it highlights a lot of the flaws and our sex education system mean to help Sex education system is kind of a stress, because we don't do a good job in this country of teaching adolescents about sexuality at all. based on the research and the data. At what point do you think a parent should give a child contraception given our countries have shown get available to them. Take em too. Which you I am or give them condoms or whatever, because my attitude is always been look if It's come into your awareness that their very likely sexually active or getting ready to be sexually active you're gonna be able to stop that, no and the more you tell them not to do at the more likely to have thrown it. My to day is prepare them and give them contraceptives taken

the doktor, give them condoms or whatever. of being in denial and they wind pregnant? So because the way I tend to think about it is that there is a lot of steps that would occur before that, and it starts with at a very young age, just sort of normalizing sex and the human body and its teaching kids, the appropriate anatomical names fur there I tell ya it's creating an open dialogue where they feel like they can come. Ask you questions so you know ideally, they're gonna be coming to you and asking the questions before you're. approaching them with- let's say condoms- are contraceptives, hopefully I have the knowledge at that point to you know, be able to ask for what they need in order to protect themselves. Yeah, I remember I thought it was time to have the birds and bees talk with one of my sons. I said and said you know it's time to talk about that and he said sure. What do you want to know? it's great, maybe a little when we were a little light on this, but if a mother,

believes that her daughter is. The sexually active there Sponsible thing to me seems of core. It would be great to have had the conversations with the daughter leading up to this too, where she values herself enough. that she will not let some boy use her body as a playground to entertain himself with an eve. Her with a twenty You're obligation of a child, If that hasn't happened, and there is a young lady tickly of the fathers absent from the home and she's particularly vulnerable to male attention and validation. Is headed headlong into a relationship that she knows is very likely to get sexual in a fast hurry a lot of mothers will say

encouraging her or validating sexual interaction I put her on birth control and there's an argument to be made for that, but my life, is you're not going stop her when she's in the back seat of a car with her boyfriend, your best route, Action is to keep her from getting in that back seat to begin with, but once she's there is to light now. So I think the response will thing to do is to protect them. avoiding his best protection, second and a lot of others. Think they're encouraging. What do you say to them so that their a lot of people who believe that, if you give a teenager, you know tools to protect themselves against stds that it's going to give them

a license to be promiscuous and that they're going to have a lot more sacks and we've seen this a lot. For example, in discussions about the hpv vaccine recently right on hpv, the human papillomavirus is the most common sexually transmitted infection, but we have Maxie now that can protect against the most dangerous strange about virus that prevent from turning into cervical cancer or where other sorts of cancer is that protect against genital warts and there's a lot of people who have argued that, while, if you give teens that this vaccine that's going to lead them to be more promiscuous, what the data show is that there are they're, not any more likely to have more partners, are more facts and so providing teens with these tools just along the lines of what you are saying is not necessarily going to make them engage in riskier behaviors. If anything, it will make it likely that they have safer sex. If and when they do have. Sex I couldn't agree more and I couldn't say it as well as you did, but I agree with you completely well my guest.

has been just in thy miller and he has written a book. Tell me what you want. These I am of sexual desire and how it can help you improve your sex life. I think One thing that we established is: there's none but good that can come out of. Communicating with your partner about sexual desires enquiring about their sexual desires and talking about this in a way that is non threatening. And doing it away where you validate your partner, compliment your partner and help them feel safe and secure, rather than being critical right. Absolutely hopefully, we ve answered some fear, and this book is really really helpful and talks about some ways to do some of the things. I will tell you that you're not some kind of weirdo pervert.

you're thinking some of the things that you may think are weirdo pervert, so highly highly recommend that you read the book and we're gonna put a link on our website to the blog that the doktor right. So you can find him and know what is there and where you can get to the book on amazon and other places where you can find it I really would like you to come back and talk about what we said on these fantasies. Get you to do that sad. I too, thank you. so much for being here. I appreciate it thanks for having me okay, so long, he made USA a insurance for veterans like james when he found out how much usa was helping members said. You said this time. The switch will help. You find the right coverage at the right price. Usa. What's your meta were made for restrictions apply,