Have you ever found yourself surrounded by negative and toxic people, draining your energy and hindering your growth?
Are you getting tired of having to deal with them all the time?
Find out how to break free from the shackles of toxicity and cultivate a life filled with positivity, purpose, and meaningful connections.
Today, we will look deep into the realm of toxic relationships, toxic workplaces, and the detrimental effects they can have on our well-being. Learn practical ways to establish healthy parameters and constraints in various areas of your life, find the wisdom of accepting people as they are and focusing on your own growth and well-being, and gain insights into fostering healthier dynamics through structured approaches.
We can also learn how this practice can contribute to greater self-awareness and personal growth and empowering techniques to shift your focus and energy towards positive influences and experiences.
In this episode, you'll learn:
- How to set boundaries at work
- How to stop trying to fix others' flaws
- How to start creating systems that work for you
- The practice of being more empathetic to others
- How to minimize toxic people's impact in your life
With the wisdom of these transformative strategies, we can navigate life's challenges with grace and embrace the path to greater well-being and fulfillment.
With Love and Gratitude,
Jay Shetty
What We Discuss:
- 00:00 Intro
- 01:47 How do we deal with negative and toxic people in our lives?
- 04:44 Many people feel alone even when they are surrounded by friends and family?
- 06:16 Do you have a toxic workplace? How many people do you know are working in one?
- 08:20 What is toxic leadership? Is this the main reason why employees leave their company?
- 10:41 Why do people feel like they’re in a poorly designed job?
- 15:53 Strategy #1: Set boundaries by setting parameters and constraints
- 18:03 Strategy #2: The 75/25 rule is when you spend 75% of your time and focus on people who lift you up, and the remaining 25% with people out of necessity
- 20:11 Strategy #3: We don’t need to fix the negative and toxic people in our life
- 21:39 Strategy #4: Systems are incredible ways of avoiding emotional baggage in an organization, in a team, and even in a relationship
- 23:33 Strategy #5: Create policies and agreements with yourself
- 26:14 Strategy #6: Notice where this trait comes from for them and try to understand it better
- 27:29 Strategy #7: Often, the trait you don't like in someone, it's a trait that you possess somewhere deep down inside
- 28:44 Strategy #8: Don’t amplify their presence
Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
This is an unofficial transcript meant for reference. Accuracy is not guaranteed.
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if your membership today, the everyone welcome back to on purpose the number one health podcast in the world thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen learn,
and grow. Now. I am so grateful that you come back every week,
it means the world to me. I know some of you come back every day and I just want to take a moment to say how much I love bumping into I bumped into so many of you.
while travelling recently on the streets on planes, just it's so special, because I feel so connected
to each and every one of you that listen because we have a son,
value sat where connecting on the same ideas were operating at a similar frequency, and so I honestly don't take it for granted when one of you
and says I mean the world to me. Please always do it's beautiful and I'm so excited for you to listen to today's episode, because
I always based these episodes on the conversations I've been having that weak on things, I've heard from people things and I'm seeing things that I'm noticing and I find it fast
stating that a number one thing I hear is J,
why deal with negative people have
I deal with toxic people and everyone in some areas of their life,
whether it's their family, whether it's their work, maybe even your relationship. We all have some one in our life who we consider to bring toxicity and negativity into it.
and I am sure that when I say that you are thinking of someone right now, you think
someone who may be said something really uncomfortable to you recently. Maybe they
a situation far more awkward than it needed to be. Maybe
judge men to all critical about one of your ideas or maybe
with someone who, just straight out
It's fun of you and marks you. There are so many different types of toxic traits that it would take. So many podcast even go through them in debt, but I think we have all experienced when someone's gotta
about us when someone makes you feel, like you, don't know anything in their superior to you, maybe
someone in your life, never apologizes, maybe there's someone else's passiveaggressive,
they could be someone who's, making me feel guilty or shameful, and maybe there's someone who just check
injuries who they are depending on
hu there, with theirs
how many more negative toxic trades that we all experience and what I found is that you're not alone
sometimes we think, oh well, that person is a great group of friends or you see someone on instagram anything. Oh, my gosh. They must have now.
who problems or their partner looks amazing in it so easy to project perfection onto everyone else. How
have you done that raise your hands right now, not right now, not if you're driving. Just how many times have you projected perfection,
to another person's life
when in reality we have no idea what they truly going through and the more we project, perfection onto others lives. We act
spect perfection from our own lives only to feel let down because it doesn't happen in reality. I looked
studies, as I always liked to do when I'm trying to understand the problem. What I trying to his trying
stan problems through research and studies and what people are doing and saying and feeling- and I try and find solutions through practical steps. Ancient
stem and putting in modern signs with that. To help create these many strategies for
well have you that I want to share today today. I'm gonna share on each of those with you. So let's just take a look
is to recognise how you're not alone, but how many people feel this way. So one study said that in the united states, eighty four percent of women and seventy five percent of men report having at least
one toxic friendship in their life. This was according to forbes for them
one in three: u S, adults struggle with friendly intimacy and express dissatisfaction with their current connections, including their closest friends. Eighty four percent of women in seventy five percent of men report having at least
on toxic friendship in their life and one in three: u s adult struggles with their current friends circle which really interesting about that is. If we also look at the time
Hence we're feeling more lonely.
the surgeon general of the united states, has said we're having a loneliness epidemic, we're feeling a lack of community
a feeling like we're more alone, even though supposedly we're technologically more connected to others, but we feel less seen less heard and less on this.
which means the investment you're making in listening to this episode is so important because the court
You have. Our life is defined by the quality of our connection. The quality of our internal satisfaction is based on
much we feel seen heard and understood by the people around us. So I'm hoping that this episode is going to help you,
improved. That area of your life and, like I said this, could be happening in your day
They live your family, your friends, your work life,
even your partner. Now, let's look at a couple. More statistics before we dive into the h strategies, I want to share with you
this one said that thirty million? U S, workers think their workplace is toxic. That's huge! Daddy million you as workers thing their workplace is toxic. This article by business insider went on to share three things that are causing toxic work: cultures. According to research. The first one in mentioned was toxic social norms, and I think we can all
think about what a toxic social norm is inside an organization. I remember when I was working in the corporate world. I noticed how so many people treated people the way they would
treated so if, when you join your job was to do everything that no one wanted to do now when you have been promoted, you expect everyone else to do. That is well right. I'm sure you ve seen that before, where someone
looks, do in a certain way, deals with unit
that way connects within a certain way, not even because they think it's right, but it's because what they went through was exactly the
aim and its shocks me that we don't realize how we can be the people to stop these toxic cultures
how? When we're behaving with people in that way and never builds loyalty or long term relationships and so toxic,
social norms may be something you are experiencing, but one thing I'm going to tell you is that a toxic social norm is something you can break. You may be the first person to break the cycle, but I promise you that will save so many people, including yourself when we subscribe
or say yes to a toxic social norm inside an organization we set ourselves up for failure, because not only are we perpetuating
cycle that began a long time ago. We are now implicating ourselves to be sir,
did by that. Energy is well and that's what I
and is most toxic and dangerous.
is that we are now surrounding ourselves and our future in this organization with that culture, the second one that the article pointed out was toxic leader.
Of course, we all know what that feels like, and there was a ought
in the sloan management review that suggested that toxic work cultures are the driving force behind the great resignation and a recent corn
study said thirty. Five percent of employees say that their boss is the single biggest source of stress at work. Now again, this comes.
that same point when people were not lead. Well, it's hard for them to lead well
right if you are not lead well, it's hard for you to lead well, because you haven't seen that behaviour be mirrored or presented or demonstrated. Now some people do learn.
from that kind of behaviour. For me, I've always chosen to see
bad behaviour as a reminded me of what I don't want to do and I'll give an example from my own life
I remember everything. I've been an organization, I've always
companies, where
My ideas are not taken seriously. I've been told to just
my job and stick to it. If I
show initiative or innovation
its rarely rewarded was seen as a positive thing, and I'm really
It full four where my life has taken me, but that also gives me confidence to recognize that there were a lot of people who could have today
she even got more out of me, but did in because they one able to see potential.
So for me I realized that when I was building mighty
in voting my community a big priority for me was how do I help
videos, how do I lead people to bring the best out of them that they will actually give so much more
and this is something inside my organization, that we call strands, and I want,
on working on their strengths that helps them build up a good level of self esteem, a good level of self confidence. They feel a personal sense of the word and excite.
When an enthusiasm, because their working on things that are actually good out and at the same time, its strengths and through its strengths, and working on a weakness, strands and working on a passion strands and working on something that curious about that way. There's always growth, and this
always a challenge, and I find that structural roles in this way really helps, and this leads to the dead
that was in the article around poorly.
designed jobs, so many people just feel like there in a poorly designed job. This was an article by beatrice nolan on business insider, and I
from that. This is really well summarised by nolan, because when a job limits your potential, when you feel like its limited and limiting you can experience the expansive nature of ideas, and I
All of us can experience this and what we have to realise that the people that are doing it too, you probably also got the same treatment.
now that's mean it's ok. That doesn't mean that its an excuse that doesn't mean that they should be forgiven
It's fine and you know I'm not saying that what I'm! What I'm trying to say is that there is
lot more to this than meets the eye. Couple more statistics I wanted to share with you is that
according to the journal of violence and victims. Forty eight point four percent of women and forty eight point. Eight percent of men have experience. I can logically aggression from a partner, so
can see that, whether its work, whether your partner, whether it's a friend all the studies point this is something we are all experiencing right now. The
loneliness not have not being around people not have not being surrounded people not about not being invited to parties or-
engaged in other ways. It's the fact that we don't really feel like someone once what's best for us. Someone wants us to win, and so, if you have someone in your life.
who wants you to win if you have someone in your life? Who is excited for you,
if you have someone in your life who supports your growth, even if they're, not qualified or an expert, keep them close. Please value that person so deeply,
so easy for us here to talk about the problem in saying. No one does it, but I promise you there's someone in your life is doing it for you and
they even just missed them. Sometimes it's the most obvious person you
I have a dad a sister, a brother along
some friend who has
been around. There has become like the furniture in your life that you don't even see them anymore. Please see them to it so easy for us to talk about the toxic people, the negative people, the people who cause issues in our life. Please take a moment to validate and acknowledge that it incredible human. If you do one thing after this episode, I wonder
all that person and just tell them tell them you listening to this episode and reminded you of them and that you're so grateful to them now,
I point point out that toxicity is a spectrum and it's not binary. Toxicity is something that we all experience. We all demonstrate. We all have toxic traits. Tat are there from what has been referred to as small teach romero big chee trauma. We all have them, and so
we are looking at. This is always a toxic person or negative person. We're all on that spectrum
and I want to walk you through these eight steps and strategies that are practical ways of dealing with this in your life. This segment about sleep rituals is brought to you by dream.
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Ed boundaries a fair bit, and I think boundaries are really healthy, but something that's been helping me specifically wid peep,
would not get negative or toxic traits in my life is setting parameters and constraints. Let me explain what I mean
I may have someone who wants to talk to me urgently and their toxic right, maybe
they always call me when they want something urgently. They always call me when they need me for something to solve for them, but they don't really
for me, but on top of that they will make
boasted that time, but then disappear, and I won't hear from them at all until they need help again and what
used to realise is that I am always happy to help, but I often found myself
going against my own self. My own time, my own priorities. In order to do that to feel like a good person-
I realize that that made me more angry at myself. It made me more upset with myself for not respecting myself or my own boundaries, and so one thing I've started to do is set parameters and constraints
mean by that is. If someone says we have really need shorty you right now and they fall into this category of an individual, then I'll, say well by the way
right now. I only have five minutes
one thing that will help me address it. Can we can act on sunday at this time to really talk about it?
What I often find is not only does that person rarely, they may take the five minutes. When I find this a lot of time, people say
ok I'll think about it, and when I met with them they would have solved found another way and
you ve done. Is you ve protected yourself? You ve set a parameter constrained to help them on this
and where europe, I have a lot of friends that get me
feel bad when there
available all the time for someone and communicating you can,
drain and parameters? Is helps people understand where europe and what your priorities are and where
igniting that you still value them in care about them, but the yukon always deliver. The next step I want to share with you is something I call the seventy five twenty five rule, and this one is probably my favorite piece of advice. So a lot of you will say J ai con limit, my time completely with some of these people
because I see them all the time right, it's hard. If you have to see someone on your team at work every day, it's hard. If there's someone in your family, you have to see em
holiday, on a vacation. It's not possible, did just limit time with them, which sounds like a good piece of advice, and it really is, but it sometimes doesn't suffice because of the nature of that relationship
and in those situations, what I've understood is creating this seventy five twenty five
whoa. What that means is seventy five percent of my time, my energy. My focus has to be with people that I lift up and lift me up and do not operate in that way and then twenty five per cent of my time
energy and focus has two may be with these people out of necessity. So how do I create a seventy five
principle in my life of how do I go in search of and seek for those people again, not just people that lift me out, but people that I'm peers with that. I'm partners with that, I'm here
on things with that, I'm collaborating with creating wid so that either
No twenty five percent of my time, energy and focus is with people who add toxicity and negativity to my life. How can I be surrounded by so much goodness? How can I be surrounded by so much positive energy that I'm able to deal
and navigate the twenty five percent. That is inevitable and avoidable. I think
we often want to do is wont to cut out of our life completely, but it is in practically possible. We wish it would just go away, but that's not reality
and the reality is that we ve gotta put more energy into creating that chosen community. How can we
fine that chosen community? How can we create q rate build put effort into that chosen community
method I want to share with you. You have to fix them a long time. Destroy
we feel about negative in toxic people is we feel we have to solve them. We have to fix the situation at work and that we need to work tirelessly to figure it out and often we can spend,
so much of our energy trying to figure out something negative that we don't use that
in energy that could create something positive and brilliant? We have to take off that boy.
again and that over overwhelming responsibility that we often carry that? I need to fix them
I need to be the one who will make them change. I need to teach them something
they need to learn something, and what we don't realize is that
How they learn and who they'll learn from may not be ass.
it may not be our position in their life and may not be the relationship we have with them, and so, instead of taking on.
Stress and burden, which means we spending every hour that we're not with them trying to figure out then and think about. Then we're only depleting an exhausting our own energy, so many to really consider that how much of your time do spend thinking about how to solve something that you not in charge off and if you are going to solve it,
the best ways to do is to build a system. I find that systems are incredible ways of avoiding emotion,
no baggage in.
innovation, in a team and even in a relationship, if you have a system, will give an example
one thing that was happening to one of my clients, my client has their assistance and their assistants always gets messages. Saying oh
Your boss told me to schedule some time and the assistant used to take that to be true and good schedule at the time, the boss, within it
did your schedule that time with me, I never said that the lack of a system was creating a
I didn't and a problem for them and often with people they didn't want to spend time with, should they created a system.
That person would write to their system. This system would talk to them and then communicate their exact priorities and challenges for the day, and I think it so important to recognise that assistance
can solve what emotions often can often we struggled to have any mostly mature common,
patient with someone we think is toxic or negative. Always talks have trades and a system can solve that far better. So that's really. The fourth step is what your system and checking your schedule is a great system. My saying, let me just check that with my team. Let me just check that
back at home and that protects you in the moment from saying yes or agree
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johnny and then be able to communicate more effectively in the future. The problem with negative and talk to people is everything we fully
urgent. Everything was feels like gap to be done right now and giving ourselves that time and space actually gives us the ability.
to respond in a way that we truly want to
rather than feeling the pressure now, the fifth step is creating a policy
I think this kind of goes aligned with the systems that are saying earlier, but this is more of a personal policy, so we know that governments make policy. Companies have policies, but I want you to create policies and agreements with yourself. I'll give an example: one of my clients was dealing with. Someone
who would always try and bring down their achievement? A person would always have something negative to say if they oppose arranged
They bumped into his person is best. What do we say? Oh yeah, but you know what if this goes wrong, this
some would always rarely
celebrate them, and this would really play on their mind. So I,
in the same way as I'm, sharing with you to create a policy to create agreement
The agreement they made is I'm not gonna, see that person. When I've had good news,
I'm not going to hang out with that group of friends when I've had good
You know, I'm not saying that the right answer, but it worked for then they created a policy its creating an. If this, then that scenario, where is it and when is it, that this person really gets under your skin
easy on their holiday party, easy when you are presenting something at work easier when you're trying to get your point across. How can you prepare for that moment? Beef
or it happens for another person? Another friend I worked with. They found that every time they shed and idea at work, this person at the table would shut it down soon
presenting their idea at the first time at the table where they feel in secure enough,
They went even share their idea David.
All around me with other people in the company.
and share that idea beforehand to get their feedback so that they could share.
For an improved idea at the table. Now, when these person tried to shut them down everyone else, it's an honor
We workshop this already and we ve figured that out now. Everyone else was able to support them. If we are aware of
how we triggered when we're triggered. In what happens when we're triggered, we can actually prepared to create that policy, create that agreement with yourself. What is it because, if you keep your setting itself up for
failure by saying are these damage is going to present a better idea will know what is the practice? What is the strategy that you can take to protect yourself, and I think that's the key word here.
trying to protect yourself, no by avoidance not
dimming. Your light
not by being less proactive and powerful, but bobby
more thoughtful and mindful about actually solving the root of the issue through
If the issue is you, maybe haven't gone out and got enough support, let's focus on that. Rather than focusing on this one person derailing everything. The six step is slightly challenging, but I want you to consider it notice where this trait comes from for them, and try to understand it better
for example. It always helps me recognising that some of the leaders who limited my potential are people who, at their potential limited it's likely that they ve gone through something that's made them that way. Let me reflect on that. Let me be aware of that. Let me be conscious of their. Let me not decent.
god the fact that they didn't have those opportunities either no wise. This useful, which use will because you start to realize it isn't personal
it's not about you, the biggest mistake we make with toxic a negative people. We think it's something we do and we take on
gill and we take on that shame. We think we need to change something and we don't
realise that, by recognising the pain that they have been true, we get recognized that that pain is outpouring onto us, not because of who we are ass, a person, the pain, someone cause then, is pouring out onto you, but not because of the person you are. That creates a distance between you and that pain, and you need that to protect yourself again.
now, the seventh tape is counter intuitive today and the opposite of that. This is something I learned during my time is among the really helped me and have often shaded with four.
And then it's a challenging one, but it's notice where you have the trait that you don't like. In somewhat often the trait you don't like in someone is a trait that you possess somewhere deep down inside
and if you can just scan your life and think where do I do that.
There is a friend of my life who always felt that no
whatever with them. No one cared about them, but actually, when I helped them reflect
I found that they were that friend and their relationships, and it's really interesting. We think that someone who has a toxic or negative trait is really aware of it. Chances are we're. Not I really
I said it myself, there are so many people that I want more attention from more affection from. I don't realize there are so many people in my life who want attention and affection from me and noticing that we have that trait helps, build compassion and understanding for the human condition which is so complex and challenging. That compassion allows us to give ourselves grace and it allows us
give them grace as well, and the eighth and vital step I want to share with you is: don't amplified their presence. We pay too much attention to the people that cause us pay
and we pay too little attention to the people that help us find our potential see.
our men to seek out guides, connect to those people find play,
she's fine communities there to create those connections because they lost a lot longer. The toxicity will be temporary, but the energy
the endless. Thank you so much for listening to on purpose, please
Make sure you leave your reviews. I read them regularly to connect with you to understand how we can improve. I want you to
oh, that I'm always trying to improve the podcast most run, improve upon
Is your most want to make sure that we are communicating with you effectively, because I value so much, and I really value you so thank you so much for being here and now
sure they look out for Monday's episode. The next guest episode to hear me interview the president of the united states, Joe Biden, MR president, opens up about grief, connection childhood battles that have shaped in personal mental health.
And mental health at large you dont want to missis
the
it's fairly easy to notice the good as you go through your day like
Fishing work early
having a great work out its tougher to notice the positive
when you hit a snag or a setback when some
doesn't go your way back.
To find the beauty in imperfect moments can be life changing so
Today we are going to shift our mindset to do just that
The next seven minutes are about your perspective.
and how to see their sneaky silver linings?
I m J jedi welcome to the davy J. First, let's start with a few more
four brats to get a little more scented, breathing in and breathing out stomach and chest expanding
Body, relaxing and softening letting go of distractions an tuning into the present,
beautiful today. I'd like to share an old story, it's about a wise woman
in a small mountain village.
every day this woman carried to buckets of water which hung from
I'm loophole slow
over her shoulders one. But
it was solid and unbroken
the other one and cracked day after day,
she filled her bucket from the well and.
them along the same dirt path through town, water, trickling from the cracked bucket, until it was only half full one?
a village asked why the woman continued using the leaky bucket. She paused.
Pointed to one side of the path decide under the full bucket it was bearing. Not a blade of grass was growing. Then she pointed to the other side of the path. It was lush blooming with colorful wild flowers and hears what she said. Look at the beauty that imperfection has made.
How many of us would get frustrated by the leaky bucket? How many of us would rush to fix the leak or get fixated on it without pausing
to notice the wild flowers it produced the look where you can find when you look beyond the floor within empathy,
chin lies the opportunity to find something positive to find beauty at when you open up to that possibility.
it can transform the way you experience life because life.
Full of stumbles and setbacks. Obstacles
and inconveniences leaky buckets, but
Imagine if, when you hit a bump into road, instead of focusing on the obstacle, you look for the opportunity stuck in traffic on its face: that's free
trading, no one wants to sit staring at someone's tell lights, but what, if you poise and shift your purse
Maybe you now have time to finish that podcast catch up with a friend
or simply look out the window for the first time all day didn't get that job. No doubt its disappointing rejection is hard, and I don't expect you to celebrate here, but perhaps now you
that much more prepared for the next interview, or you made important new connections at first
It may be challenging. This is not the positive that's right in front of your face. This is the open window. Now
still the closed door, the rainstorm thou washes your dusty call clean the flowers under the leaky bucket
course. Some leaky buckets adjust well leaky
sometimes wild flowers don't grow
more often than not. If we look for a lesson,
or a silver lining. If we look for the beauty, we'll find it, and once you train your brain to look beyond
the first reaction you'll be more likely to see the upside
and even the most unlikely situations. Now,
Going to try this out as we do
and to our meditation we're going to practice, searching for the good first get comfortable wherever you
Well, allowing in your body to relax breathing in a deep breath,
eating out, letting it all go. Try finding an anchor in this moment something to focus your attention on. It could be the feeling of the breath entering
leaving your body, maybe the rise and fall of your stomach.
Any time your mind drifts noticing where it went and seeing if you can gently, bring it back to that anchor and let's open this up a bit, see if you can bring to mind a time when something didn't go your way now this doesn't have to be a big thing. You can start small. Did you fixate on the problem
or rushed to try to fix it. Now try looking beyond the initial frustration. What good may have come from it?
you discover a silver lining if unpleasant feelings come up, that's all
Do we not dismissing what's difficult here?
Did you see if we can find a positive beyond the negative?
Allowing ourselves to make space for it all life can be challenged.
There is really nothing we can do about that, but we do have the power to change our perspective. So when your buckets leaking look for the floor,
Well, thank you for try something new with me. I'm grateful for you and I can't wait to connect once again tomorrow.
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Transcript generated on 2023-12-03.