Discover new connections this season with bumble the app that embraces all kinds of dating experiences, just like Jess, who, after a week on the app matata and now they share a home in brooklyn with their beloved furry companions, no matter what you're seeking bumble can help you find what you're looking for, whether it's a casual fling, a serious relationship or a new friend. So start your adventure today by downloading bumble and unwrapped the endless possibilities of the he's in and strong in york times, I'm Anna Martin. This is modern, love zoo men had a big crash. She couldn't stop thinking about this q guy. She can

seeing on the train and she actually kept thinking about him for years. She just had this feeling that they were meant to be together here's one reading her essay, the subway, crush the crushed. me. We met on the subway on a saturday morning. Nearly fourteen years ago, an army had been a long time coming, because he'd been my subway crush for about six years. I've met once or twice early twentieth, apartment parties in new york, the ones with open bags of tortilla chips on counters, cheap liquor and red solo cups and illicit activity happening in the bathroom or right on the coffee table. he'd been dating my coworker liner and anyway, updating or Letty

still around just out of sight and out of reach, and I liked him a lot. His name is renowned, but to me and my friend, and he was known as that israeli die, and then months later he was known as subway crush. I would see him sometimes in the morning on the way to work at my staff and carol gardens in brooklyn. I would fail yet on the other side of the concrete pool separating us, as the f train pulled up and then I would watch him when the crowds parted. He was tall with black hair. He had a beard and these big hands and on the subway heedless of the music, He read and I never saw him with another woman. Then roughly sixty years past

Sometimes months will go by and he would disappear occasionally. I would rather train with some other guy and hope myself way crush would see me with him. He never I also never saw him in the neighborhood, even though he clear we live near by. when were done and I finally met that fateful sunday. My voice was shaky. He was, they all coworker Lana and a man who turn I'll, be your new husband banana set them up. Laana came to me and said hello and renewal followed. I said I see you. Subway all the time way too loudly. He said, I see you all the time and his smile brightened up his face, like a light bulb I found myself squinting as it shone down on me and I smiled back

a week later, we went on a day six. Months later. I moved in one year later we were engaged in a year after that we were married and I couldn't believe if I'd been right and that my end question about renowned had been so spot on. and then the universe punch me right and my smug dumb face eight years and two beautiful sons later when I left for work from our home indicator, georgia and never came back during the day, blood vessels suddenly ruptured in his brain and he fell into a coma that he never woke up from then, a week later he died inside.

Beautiful head behind that megawatt smile had been a ticking time bomb, it wasn't arterial, venus, malformation, which is a rare tangle of normal blood vessels prone to hemorrhage. No one saw it coming. I certainly had The thought had never entered my mind. There were none could be here one morning and be gone by that same afternoon, the day of the funeral. It was near one hundred degrees and the sun, beat down on the heart, broken crowd. Later, my father would say to me: I've never seen a crowd like that. It was like J of caves funeral or something, and it was Friends and family had flown in from all over the world to pay their respects, not quite believing that this kind of tragedy it could happen to remain,

It was the kind of man they gave sparks of life, affirming energy to everything. He did where I was holding the hand of our five year old, with our two year old, sucking I will pass on my lad, my son's kept saying ema emma Emma, which is the hebrew word from mother was over and I was ema, that's how we worked. I wonder what in the world had happened? Never in a million years did I foresee this, It had no resemblance to my childhood and I had nothing to compare it to hell on earth. Was I going to be a single mother? How could it be that there? I was gone. I knew tat, would keep going on with. hopefully age, but then would be forty four forever.

Hmm, the movie right back the discover new connections, this season, but bumble the app that embraces all kinds of dating experiences just like Jas who, after a week on the Natasha, and now they share a home in brooklyn with their beloved furry companions. No matter what your seeking bumble can help. You find what you're looking for, whether it's a casual fling, a serious relationship or a new friend so start your adventure today by downloading bumble and unwrapped the endless possibilities of the season.

it's been two and a half years and they look for him. Does he that hawk circling overhead or that butterfly footing through the back yard. I don't think he is, I have a recurring dream where you left me for another woman crimes, oh angry, I want a scream when I tell my friend pam about it. She said. Yes, the maybe the dream is most of conscious trying to give me an explanation for his absence. That makes some kind of science but while pain on top of,

Hey can I just see him in a white robe? Can you just give me one of his famous hugs I'd, prefer that I noticed that I dont trust my intuition, like I used to, but time is press the sort of reason. But not all of my senses and now understand the difference between intuition and clairvoyance. Trusting your guy and following your heart is intuition. I'm no clairvoyant of never claimed to be so. There is a difference just because they failed to foresee remain. That does not mean I can't listen to that in a voice in my head. Fluttering of recognition in my chest and may be heartbroken.

but I would fall in love and may even all over again, I would like to me were dating grenette said something to me that I still hold deepen my heart. We were people watching and south beach when he turned to me and said. Sometimes I look at you forget that you're my girlfriend, I think god she so beautiful like yours, stranger, but then I realized that you're, not hundreds so proud. never heard something more romantic. Didn't manner of other men saw me that way or not. It was that he did and the fact that he'd say that to me still drums played and the sun set and the pink sky My heart explode into a million songbirds.

I see well Elinor boys, aryan, love eyes, seven impelled exactly like remain. his tall and then with the feet and impassively long toes and his face. It remains and sores facial expressions He was too young when ronan died to imitate those expressions, here they are. I see one look of wonder his goofy grin way: smile lights up his brown eyes very is an love my four year old, He resembles me more than men, but it's the things he says financing. You tell me to help him harder harder. He would say until I could barely breathe. Love says the same thing with the exact same inflection, our boys channel

and they say things that not the wind out of me once I was sitting poolside bear faced and dripping, and my friends, parents house, in florida and left stood in the shallow and looked at me really looked at me. He said emma, you look so beautiful Another time I was putting I'd asleep and before I left the room, he said emma you're, more beautiful than you think you are, These are not the normal kinds of things. I imagine little boys thing to their mother, not with this kind of the other worldly conviction and I swear. I have it right that the only explanation I can come up with is remain speaking through them

It's what he would say to me now if he could, if he were here like he should be intuitively absolutely. I feel this in my bones I hear him in their voices. Time is replanted, a few seeds of art in the new forever altered soil of me, my heart can should still be followed, and I am grateful for the ground If you want to hear my conversation with so fishermen are last interview, season. You can check it out in the modern love podcast feed, it's really beautiful one

Modern love is produced by julio taro, christina joseph and riva Goldberg, its edited by mark a gun. Our executive producer is Jen plant this episode was mixed by Daniel ramirez are shows recur. by bad. He must yellow the modern live, be me because by Dan Powell, original music by Dan powell, because car digital production by how much a bloody nell globally the modern love column is editor by Daniel Jones. Mealy is the editor of modern love projects. I'm Anna Martin, thanks for listening.