Hey folks, what if I told you that, instead of what I'm saying now, I could be talking about your business if you're in advertiser or a marketer, and you want me to do the talking for you visit a cast self service, add platform where any business can browse and book pod castors like me to tell your story in a way audiences trust. Sixty two percent of listeners make Just after hearing a host, like me, read and add head over to go down a cast, dotcom, swash sponsorships to launch your campaign. That's go dot a cast dot com, swash sponsorships for having your own website is a great way to deliver for your fans or customers and squares base makes it even easier with these squares base members area, so you can give premium access to your most devoted users. There is also the squares video studio in the squares base, email campaigns to help you deliver the best of what you have to offer. We

Been using squares place to run w tia pod dot com for a long time now so go to That out, if you want to see a website powered by squares base head discourse, dot com, Why does your for a free trial and when you are ready to launch use the offer codes Do you have to save ten percent of your first purchase of a website, or domain that squares based on Swedish w E f all right, all right, all right! all right. Let's do this, how are you what the fuckers, what the plot bodies what's report, makes what the fuck is delicate, what's happening large mare- and this is my body, cast what the fuck double you d, yeah, sorry, kids, I know you drive and mom. I know you drive and dad. I know I know sometimes

go out and let him listen and that was allowed to F bombs and fairly or period, but no more than usual, really was it. How are the kids? everybody aright everywhere Ok, are they growing up fine? Are they turning out all right? You? I just got back saint louis great time and saint louis headache, ray time, not gonna, ramble too far. Here before I tell you that gary government is on the show gary go home in he's been before long time ago, back on, like episode three fifty seven, those two thousand and thirteen- and since then, he's really several comedy alms and televised specials, including the guy. depression hbo two thousand and nineteen he's now written his first book. Misfit growing up acquired in the eighties, this guy's gone, who at man and he's come out the other side for the most part, I would say, and we'll get into a man

we'll get into it, but it was heavy man. It was heavy in gary's, doing all right and will that conversation terribly I'll, be a wise guys in las vegas this friday and saturday september? Twenty second and twenty three for four shows, I'm in bellingham washington, the mount baker. It or for one show on Saturday October fourteenth as part bellingham exit, festival, portland, Oregon, sold out. Sorry, twenty through twenty second of october, also doubt than ever that chemo theater and albuquerque new mexico for one show on novel eleventh my in town and we're colorado, albeit the comedy work south for four shows november, seventeenth and eighteenth and I'll, be at the comic come home, whenever that is in november,. So look I I was in saint louis I did some morning radio, it was

The resumed o show yes, a five point: seven, the point. With rivers, moon val, jean king Scott. Rape Williams and learn quite a crew, in there. It was on fire right away, grew morning crew had a great time fun, you know get they give you this option. Are these waiting they were like. You want to do a foreigner mike. What am I going? What am I doing in saint louis in the morning I'm not a child, I'm not a drunk. I can wait, up and go to the place. Foreigners are useless you to get into this same aramis for the real exchange? That's what you we ve got to back to same aramis, All these zoom conversations all these ex conversations it's not good, you may, you're talking but you're, not you not feeling

the vibrations in the room you're not leaving the same air people. community get, active same aramis as often You can write so I went into resumed. I show talked of the guy and the gal some people misunderstand I like morning, radio yeah, I did a joke about morning, radio, but the crew. In the morning you in all their one you to do is go. I cannot get in there and god knows I know how to do that. We are, so in time, good crew, and then I did that, and I did it, and I did another show that I was pretty good too k imo exe we, the guy's name, was roger, had a good time that was afternoon radio afternoon talk scott on their guard, knocked out a segment resumed. Oh, let me stand for like two segments I think

comes at moment where they're sort of like you know we were talking about some beef we got here. Would you like to get back to that? they don't say it like that. I could tell their survival so that mark marin's it helium and he's leaving we talking about aliens and then he came in and it is thing, but let's get back to that, I get it. I did morning radio, I get it oh tomorrow. I believe. That's how you pronounce your name. The owner and proprietor of chain of clementines creamery, the ice cream, artisanal ice cream and in this is not a paid plug. It's probably best ice cream in fucking country, at least. so creamy so good. But I can't the dairy right, because I'm doing the veggie divergent veggie, the veggie, the were the vague in thing. but she she gone.

to me she had you, see the new plant. We're making the ice cream unlike fuck. Yes, then comes the the the benefit. The perks she's like I don't have the ice cream genius down at the plant you sample some of our new and as yet unreleased vague and flavors. So I just this plant? They have freezers assize at my house for europe, the size of the studio. People make an ice cream. Had a hat, gloves, footy walk through some suds no germs by went into the kitchen, the tasting kitchen and there's like five or six pine, sir. I'm like let's go I'll, try it and they want. In my opinion, the three varieties of cocoanut macaroon ice cream. I went with the richest tasting one. There is a bitter argument with that. Daddy's potato ice cream that was fuckin amazing. They had

I guess he swore? Are they sore bays quite good I remembered another flavour. There isn't Aqaba one that was, I didn't mind it. It was ok, there's a crumble one. God damn I considered it a meal. I considered it a vague and meal tasting about six or seven. Many spoons of ice cream, separate spoons every time, and they were metals we can change and we could change change in the spoon felt official, though I got you know how I go had behaved myself as opposed to just gonna covet one and step into another room with alarm or spoon, and just fuckin wolf it down, but was fun and then hung out with tomorrow for a little while went to eat. good, vague and joints in saint louis awesome are, I think, was when I went to want to Frida's. I went to

waistcoats small batch twice, but the high point, outside of the shows you could records, you could records, I would say outside of europe. Dan shop here. Is my favorite record store near me? I'm not. For a perks. I'm not looking for anything, I'm not paid to say this, but there You could records my buddy steve down there, the whole crew down it. You could always nice to me spent two days at euclid records, at about two hours each day, and I, in even get to the jazz section. Two days. this episode, sponsored by better help dear thoughts ever keep you up at night or wake you up early or keep you feeling anxious when you should be getting rest. If you're like me, then you those things my

I'll get racing when I lay in bed thoughts about my life, my past, my future, my house, my cats in the weather, the world travel, you name it, but I also know this from experience. One way to help calm those racing thoughts is to talk about him. Therapy gives you a place to do. That's it. You can get out of your negative thought cycles and find some mental and emotional peace. I talk to people The time on this shown it definitely helps, but sometimes unita professional to talk. than I do that. Two and now You can do the same with an easy and affordable option like better help your work with. of their business. You'll, learn important coping skills and tools to set boundaries, get control, Those racing thoughts and feel like the best version of yourself. the largest online therapy provider in the world. Better help can provide access to mental health professionals with a variety of expertise in mental health. W g of listeners get ten percent off there. last month it better help, dot, com, slash w e F, that's HIV lp, dotcom, suasion f. As you know,

I was it helium. There is a great site. Helium, but all the shows were pretty exciting cause, I'm doing this new, our fifteen or so and sharing it nimbus good and the audiences were great. They came to see me in it. They all filled out of a shows. The five shows But I will say this. I I'll, say this. Look you I here. The comedy store and it's a great club And helium the room itself is great. It's in comedy venue, but a couple things happened that I thought like I thought. I'd experienced all this shitty things can happen. Onstage many club, but I was wrong. I have, new thing for the list. Ok, look the relationship between club owners and comics, you know it's fraught. Sometimes you certainly coming up when I did you all you had to the only place you could for performers at the comedy, clap your

make any waves, even if you can get paid you'd wine gather, comics if you get your money, even the club owner s, suggestions for your active suck it up and listen Tom sawyer But let me tell you some man, I don't know- maybe you ve heard it on this show, but the worst part about doing comedy of comedy is that you it's a boy. It's a bar business or sellen drinks. That's fine! We get it and because That, even if they sell food there is a check spot. There is check, drop. During your set. You ve grown to live with it that you We ride towards the idea or set, and some clubs of maybe beginning of the last thirty set there. we drop in those checks and people are going to get distracted. There can be distracted with math and money and he can feel attention go away for a bit.

back, but this is something this is that this is the the job we chosen. And you get used to it, Just is what it is. It's a rare club that doesn't have a check spot. So on thursday night, I'm doing my set and other sunday here, like a digital beep mike what let's go on their another one. What the fuck is happening set some as phone, Is that a watch and another one and another one and another one, unlike what the fuck is happening, and it's the god in point of sale machines have to assume that they make them where they don't make noise or you could turn them can thing off. But during The checks by during that the pay time. right when you come in. India are big bits, there's just eighth, a frank. did scattered chorus of digital beeps. I never thought

in my life is a comic that there were in article check drop and it just goes on and on for fifteen minutes peep gave it am I I don't know what The ownership thinks that we can hear it. Brought attention to other than people notice it more by just could not fucking believe it in. Apparently it's a? U turn franchise wide. system, they have strong into being in portland did helium. So I'm I'm, anticipating the the this random beeping for twenty. And it's starting about two thirds I've. Never I just in No diva people. We don't ask for much amiss mike stand, maybe a stool, that's about it! Nothing else is a perk by me.

And never thought in my life that there would be a audible check spot just I lost my mind. I lost my fucking mind, an apparently word on the street is going on couple years, but I guess people just I don't know they don't want saved. It was something else people anyway That was my experience. I have added a new shitty thing that happen. on stage to my list of shady things and made don't care, but it was something so is in Gary gorman is here, he's got a new book out, it's called misfit growing up in the eighties comes out tomorrow september nineteenth. This is not a trigger warning, but heads up. This is a real conversation about pretty drastic mental health issues. This is me too, Dana gary gorman.

your eyes. Oh yeah he's crazy cut up on your staff and again giving us the first question, you're right now you have a really that's. A great quest, my my friend micro directive, special about being depressed. He said he had worked. The latter man netflix netflix, so they became friendliness and it turns out tat. I have had the same psychiatrist is as may. This year I saw in the special yeah yeah an end and dave My friend said how, the kid doing now when resist It was one of the first air do you. I see said it was a

especially yeah how's. That has the kid yeah one. That's a that's an honest question! Yeah and I I will say, I've had five years now of uninterrupted remission, so I'm very very great. So that's the word they use for depression to remission, that's that One feels that the most accurate to describe what's going on, I mean I, I could say recovery shirt and I feel like I'm appropriating but their own interesting, because, like you, you know, I I I think that once you get diagnosed with the profound depression that you add here that you know I think Those people waiver, sometimes people, get to, asked and then they're kind of depression and have a good day so so you don't look at it in terms of remission unless it's a chronic condition ride. dry, ass. They took it where it took you yes right yesterday, I everybody is on the spectrum of outlay of some sort, and I like that about the special about for a decent.

Meting mental illness, and I thought that your mathematics around side effects was kind of funny I thank you in terms of funding, that's what I shouldn't for no real because, like you know, when you're doing stuff, that is in I've done it to that it is rooted in something you, sir, is in dire. What you, what you know, there's a message. Air so kind of money is not insult. Know you re right, we're home right died at it. If you take serious and in and I imagine not when I talked about grief that right you, You have to find the balance. Yes, because the guarantee is added, sad and off. Putting an end makes people come from the outset that given yet are like years there's nothing. You can do yes, so then, over time, you're the bow become sort of like how do I balance that reality with with the humor total right? Yes, but last time I talk to you was in thousand thirteen yeah. So

like, and I don't remember you being too I had never had a lengthy like two and a half year episode. I would have Ex we're are eight weeks and then come back and recover and it is I never felt that great I never felt as suicidal. I'd always so since I was seven years old, I always had this idea that I was going to end by my own hands, and that it was just which crisis would would bring that about. Would it be a divorce? Would it be grief over over a repairing oil loved one end, and I I thought it pretty pretty. What's the word em looking for valiantly for a long time and then at forty fire it it came in

in such strength and an uninterrupted that I had two for the first time in my life, be checked into the hospital for on two separate occasions or that you talk about during the in the special, the gray irish yeah. Without will you just talked about one time yeah, but there was there was a second time that was that was not a follow up. That was, that was a that was off. I follow up in which I It's funny as I listen to maria barrier the other day, though we interviewed you did a couple weeks ago, and she was talking about her hospitalization. It was. It was kind of similar. In that I went to a I to an emergency room one time, one time I planned it knew as a calendar in and I was going to be there for a month and the other time I just didn't, feel safe in my apartment and my wife, took me to the emergency room admitted me right away, and I stayed for three years four days until they wanted to move made too

take advantage of the new insurance that I had. That was different from from the one I had, so he got an operator. No, they asked me if I wanted to go to this other hospital, and I said: well, I'm not familiar with it, so I was frightened by it and I and I just won one home and the key is always never telling them that you feel like you're a danger to yourself and then they'll eventually know right now, then you'll though you don't tell downtown if you don't tell them that you when I watch it because you know I like it, taking my trauma been onstage and eight year and I come from depression, and you know: sooty suicidal ideation, united I've had most of my life is well read. My joke was different than yours out. What was your joke about it about about of their essay. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. That idea I I gotta, leave a note of your if you're a conscientious purse

It should leave a note just to I always dreaded writing essays and that's what kept you alive. My joke about, suicidal ideation is, like you know, I think, about suicide all the time. It's not wanna kill myself. It just make me feel better. Knowing that I can, if I have to oh yes, I got a hundred percent. Is that moment where you type we're just do typing fuck yes. What am I going to do so? I could kill myself. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. I always think about that term. It's soothing in terms of if the worst thing were to happen, I could always kill, or even if it wasn't that bad well, because like because we're on that now, in terms of my own mental health, and trying to assess young gonna be sixty this month. I've decided numbed. I'm talking you like this, because when I watch your special my I wonder, He could help me so is, as opposed mainly may, as opposed to go to a doctor, I'm just going to yield.

drain you of your I've, I've accumulated kleiber restructuring is going through reading and and also I have really good. I have really Professionals in my life, I've been. Why don't go away? How I got what seems like I mean I remember when I was in college. I drove up to macleans hospital. I love that the guy in back, then it was early on. In the cycle pharmaceuticals. There was like one guy who did one guy in new york. I think his name was Klein and then there was a guy. You know. My cousin had issues. There was a guy macleans but I can't remember what why was there, you know, I don't. I don't know why? I think I was depressed, but not unlike you and what you sort of talk about in your book. There. There was an awkwardness too. You know how I felt in relation other people, a hundred per cent

Yes, you know and you hear them in alcoholic stories overtime totally, yet you say it was a way since I got really fight this. The idea that I'm depressed, if I am Oh, I always think it's just me that I am a lazy person who who is very talented and and is a very attractive fields. I had to do with it and let us because I think, we'll. Why wouldn't I feel lousy about myself are going form, so you couldn't tell you, couldn't tell that that was a depressive symptom nodded it. I was out of esteem brought exactly yeah. For me what I've this. What I've come upon in my in my research into myself, which is deep, There is always a blindsided that I suffer from profound anxiety shore, and and when that gets out a hand, you you're, a sort of paralysis a dread fuelled paralysis

You know works like depression, but may assay, yeah As that what I decide and I've heard you describe your naps as many suicides, and I think that is one of the most brilliant. What did I do that? I, like depictions of what I was doing was was, I would either be anxious or feel very overwhelmed by life, and I would take these long naps and then those nap Become sixteen our sleeping on days, yeah and an that's it It was a lot of my coping mechanism and then it got so bad. That my my wife at one point she would describe me as being a kind of time. she would say I thought you were. I thought you were dying, my dear, if you that's the thing, is my dad as a depressive by any was we assumed his bipolar. but I always tried like my brain for reason, I imagine you are like this too was that is that you know I wanted it to be worth what sort symptomatic of experience shore

like I didn't. I didn't want to bully was chemical like it. It's not that I know. I know that exists right. But I wanted it to be relative to a type of of thinking or a trauma or or experts it's our emotional liabilities like I didn't really want. To believe that it was a chemical thing here, agony what you're talking about when you younger that it's got totally many gotta be! May yes and you have in your family? Oh my gosh, my father was born danvers state hospital has has mean either or an institutionalized yeah, because my my grandmother was bipolar and she had had an episode while she was pregnant with him. And so that's where he was born and then he was put into foster care of and really yeah. Eventually he was adopted by his grandparents and then his his mother. Well. But when we talk about well, she went back in the day that she watches them heavily medicated with lithium yeah anne and she was just she was. I never

are to enjoy any aspect of her personality. I heard before before heard breakdown that she was very personal on funding and would have moments, but she would also have have manner swings and- and she was just heavily medicated in every interaction I ever had with her assist- she was sort of just kind of in the in the corners island riah. Oh so you remember her. I do remember her and then my on my mother's side. My mother's twin brother and my mother would never admit this in a million years, others twin brother was, he was a fan, she was a burglar and an offence here and an he was any who never bathed lay out. He was just ass. He was clearly there was something wrong with him mentally and nobody would ever acknowledged sort. It definitely runs on both sides. My my family, you have it. I mean that's interesting, that by your father's, not depressing

my father was not a depressive, but he was out of his mind in the alive and he's no longer her alive. My mother's lives year. Ninety my father passed away a few years on earth older controlled. I was born. My father was around fifty. My mother went around forty, but it but the book, it's when you, when you, after you get out of being treated, in the hospital in the psych ward, with electroconvulsive convulsive therapy yeah, you just left with no other recourse in terms emotionally otherwise, but to go if your mother say now she grabbed yes, I guess he think them. I'm curious about his eight about that being common, cause I've noticed it somehow you're you're kind. Transitioning into into something that is fundamentally, you know club work right and and there he is sort of this point where either you have more to say, or you want to speak to something you personal, in a way that you feel supported by your audience. Shore

We do that. I you and I came up. Similarly, I'm I'm older than you I was an angry jewish kid that came out of nowhere boston university and went out here for a while get fucked up I went back and I started do one nighters the dirty shows, I'm doing all the young I'm doing all the one night as all of the meal. When I look back at it, though, though I don't know who that guy was, it was somebody, you had to adjust to the audiences because but which crazy you're four tony's in lebanon? Yes, at a place punch of vienna and no uniting restaurants, right yeah, but now how much of you believe I did drugs as well. By do you we that initially that comedy our or the attraction to it, because I'm haven't really thought about this- was in and in a way self medicating. Ah, yes, yes, it was self medicating in that you feel

this this rush of dopamine and acceptance in your game you're getting attention as a kid from this and the end, but also on the other side- and you hear from this people online, all the time how your comedy suits them or makes them feel less alone, and I found that from listening to people at the at the time it was. It was people like that, stephen right and the outward prior and new hard and end, they would make me so happy in, and I would and Steve Martin was a big album that my brothers had, and what about the guys you were going to like Heaven knox. Oh my gosh gone, I wind and when I went in high school, to see at next comedy stop. I saw guys like sweeney and don Gavin and to me they were. They were gods where they were they were, but the thing is: is that like that, essentially, though, like, if we're talking about what we do and what they do and what my appeal, my traction. A comedy initially was that

wasn't that it made me feel less alone. It made me it relieved me because it gave me away too. things and it made me laugh and it sort of like in part of the appeal of comedy me was that you can make sense of the world in this very spot epic way and share it right yeah. So when I watch any of those guys are rickles or anybody else, I dont know if it may be feel. Less alone, but it made me laugh and it made me feel more. Jewish and it made me feel like it, it was able disarm. You know, yes, sadness, fear waiting in the actual things in a way that I found very relieving, but the sort of less own thing, to me as a sort of new byproduct of what we do yeah I think that neither work honestly there were three comedians back, then one is away. Gary channeling sure one is in disrepair,

woody Allen yeah an end one. I think, as is ill richard louis, but they were talk to him a week or so ago. How is he doing? Ok, you should do is park as tell I would love to because those ray guys were were jewish men who were talking about being being sad, veiling, you're, going on or less alone, and it made me feel less alone, so that was there was a great connection. It's it's so funny, because my mother for my bar mitzvah, took me to allay to see that with johnny, carson and ungarish handling and carry fisher were the were the guests and one of my all time memories I'll, never forget that yet, and I had never heard of garish handling and then he became like my go to comedian because he soon thereafter had the its gary channeling shower, which was illuminating and regulatory, and then the of

we're solaris sanders show which is during one of the most accurate guess actions. I guess that's right, I guess liking, I'm overlooking that that the that jewishness was a big power yeah and that in it scares me now be as there is a comedies become tribalism and there are people that are like you know. What's with all this whiny comedy, which is code, it's a dog! offered our yes absolutely yeah an end. I I think went when I would listen to rodney day the field or people like that. Yeah. Now I like I do this little gag with with toggle glass, where he plays rodney dangerfield play a friend who is gone through cognitive, behavioral, therapies and I'll, say ronnie can't say you get no respect. you don't get as much respect as you'd like right, but I respect you and- and I thought I think you need to change your dog octave any bombard the world is not helpful, is it is insulting, but but I too,

we get that diver heated identifies a jew really now. No, but it was so jewish railways, so jewish, but a working class do right, which we recognise we regularly. I I don't think he did get the respect that he deserves when he was alive now now I like I, I think that people have rethink them. You know that I think that people like norm- macdonald- yes, you know who is or was a tremendous proponent of dangerfield and even me as I get get older, I watch him more, that you know as you know, when you watch him on your carson's and he's you realize incapable of just talking about when he runs out a jokes. Oh yeah he's makes it he speaks in in jokes, but there was there were some about him and and bill Murray, where they were losers, admittedly losers, but they seem to have confidence right and a man. I found that, like Chris Elliot was another person that I e that I admired so

watch growing up because he was especially on the get a life show. He was living with his parents paper boy and yet he was arrogant and he was pushy and he was demanding, and I and I always aspire to that because I like a loser, and I thought be I'm a loser, but at least our act like I deserved something more than to be ignored, but do but the thing is essential, thing to me about you is at an end. You know you you were not no one would have known now, and nobody has any idea and- and the truth is that you know, are because I'm a very sensitive guy- and you know in it but like I like, I think, in a different differently than you may, because my parents were the mentally sort of selfish. In a way will be a much. Are you how to do that? We were sort of left to construct our on selves, yes, and no sometimes it hold. Sometimes it doesn't, but I I sought to get hard and and

and I saw it. You know drugs and alcohol and I and I went into anger and now that I'm old and like, I feel a little for a round my own vulnerability, yeah, it's still your touching go in the sense that in I think stand up like you're doing where you're you exploring these elements of your childhood and of trauma of depression. You gain more, confidence in em in speaking from their place, but I still force myself to go on to regular club comedy now. I know that and- and I and I don't always know why, but I feel like I have to stay in shape like I have to be able to go like. Why are you fucking talking I used to do that I used to to that I would go to the comedy seller to three nights. that point is not easy: it's not easy I would do two or three new shows a night on. We can write all we can do and it fell. It got to be like I was doing roadwork right because they were not there to see me and they would and they were eating. Why, when

where there are serving snack chips, front row it it drives me insane and I just decided that it was much easier on my constitution and my mental state to do our lives in small clubs, where I could fill fifty or sixty in working out the work out the stuff and that an that's been so helpful and I really feel that and make me a better club comic, but it makes a better version of of me as a as a stand, but because the thing is that, like because social media and an ability to to find an audience has become a sort of your micro, manageable. That eventually

we're talking about things that people you know that are universals in in a thorough way. Yeah you'll find your people deaf, but I still got some kind of weird dumb. You know old school working class comic disposition where it's like you gotta, be able to yell up in front of any audience and do the fucking job. That's the goal yeah, but I also felt The goal was always to find your own audience right, be your most authentic self. and that, because I'll do let the comedy cellar but their enjoying my jokes they're, not enjoying yemeni. Only fifteen minutes yeah, but it is you, but it's just not the ones. You know you if you're satisfying, you're right, it's it to me. It's it's all about those those obscure roy Phronsie or those really deep feelings that that I feel most comfortable sharing with an audience that knew they were going to see me of course yeah. But so still, though, but maybe this is better way to look at it. We need to do. The clubs in shaping away yeah. You know why,

you're too late, now totally and ass. I learned the right where there's also there's also that the social aspect of it in a year and that we get out of the house for the right near lobby Kelly on you picked a good guy eddie. I like for such a bombastic fuck, is one of the sweetest guys in the world always has and very capable of talking he can. He can receive the full speck from of emotional problems from his own recovery, he so versatile. The asia is easily ass, gaizdorra highlighted wheezed away tables together and on newbury street in Boston. He got me the job, oh yeah yeah, so we're we're very close. Even beyond, are you doing the comics come home now well for some reason I haven't been invited back since, like two thousand and eleven or that guy who said the lyrics like that guy even made everybody crack, and I am fucking that guy that guy again

possible. Although I don't, I don't think I was doing anything about depression last time I was there. We I knew I wouldn't have done, because I didn't see you enough and I am very sensitive to it. So there You must have been managing pretty well like. Was managing really well in that, and the thing was that, if I was out, I was feeling ok, but my question to you is in knowing all this stuff about the parents and knowing what I came through an hour four trajectories around mental health. You don't did any of that caused it. Of course, at it of. Of course, it did but I also think there's a there's. A biological, chemical or component- and I don't know what the a percentage right right are thought. I guess it's not really important yeah. I I just know that a combination of of therapy and

had occasion an- and I dont want to understand the power that the electoral convulsive therapy had on on sort of rebuilding Anne and I've read that in coupons book about changing your mind, bled Suicide and mushrooms can have a similar effect in rebuilding your system and taking you out of here, I'd like to see a long studies on that yeah I got my own exists because it's been such a short investigation, but you're right, you're, right sort of like you know. I get it, I'm due to joke about that too, about how you know cause I'm sober along yeah. I know I know, and now I know these guys, who are you know, sober as long as me who are getting prescribed weed and when you, this sober, you know what's up in there like like a doctor's prescription, but you know what you're doing right totally, but then I I heard about it, I say swells at work you go to the doktor is actually depressed him. I am a little bit and he says

We know it been a lot of studies and they find a pretty effective treatment for depression is just gettin really fuckin high but there, but that I, about. Is they like? If you haven't near trauma issues you know, I can prescribes a michael, This is because they find that nothing shakes trauma loose right. Trip in bali I mean. I don't know enough about smoking marijuana all day every day, but the waiter It doesn't seem, it doesn't seem like it's a healthier bird or any kind of I. I don't think it has, I think there is no free lunch is what I'm saying is. That is that eventually I think it could. I think what What would I just notice when you were talking? Is that, like you know whether it comes from you know, conditioning or or or chemical in its is a combination of the two, but I think what gets exacerbated If you have a a predisposition to depression, is that whatever-

your parents are hiding in terms of their incapacity to be. Emotionally, supportive and selfless enough time to manage being apparent proper. really creates a loneliness right. Then that is deeper. It's something you can identify and that exacerbates the biological component. I would think yeah that makes totally because I find that there are certain days were have done a lot of things. Exercise and I'll do some writing and feeling really down, and the missing component was that my wife was gone all day and I hadn't talk to anybody and I'll be out at night. Ninety with people- and that's really important in my house, was very lonely. my brothers were grown, my mother was either working are in our own world right was, and it was very lonely, and to this day one of my biggest activities and triggers is just hearing,

on anyone's loneliness or sperience, loneliness or songs, about lioness that I don't know a pearl jam, fanned the that song about the elderly woman, whose working at at the cash reggie earlier and see somebody from childhood and it's just its. for lorne and adjust. It makes me cry almost at the time I hear it, and I've heard it one hundred times yeah. Well, maybe it's like that. It's a magic tear maker yeah! I I cry very easily at me to weep outwardly, but I you know I sob I'm like a cry baby and I stifle it Again, my girlfriend, where movie I dislike, I'm just holding it, there's a tear already down done. I watched Harold in mind recently that I'd put off my entire life, because I knew I would feel- and I knew you was to be harbouring ray and I watched it and the only thing I was grateful for was that my wife didn't see the the the violent sobbing, because I I felt like oh she'll, never feel safer around me, because I I just I

I know that I can keep it together. It was just the the saddest but at the same time it was the most joyful film I ever seen, but there was that component. I guess it's a very good metaphor for for existence, because they right balance that we talked about earlier of of the reality of sadness I and trying to sort of of create- no, a counterbalance of humor yeah. It is balance it again and that sort of a real challenge I think it was a lot of us. Do it innately in some days, just don't do it all with the witches joke but even when you get somebody like a tell There's never doubt that that tells a sad guy. You never think like what you guys got to get. It is just right. You know now, so you sort of almost like the perfect he's. Almost rodney like in that, you know Disposition is honest. Yes,

and whatever it is, that he's balancing is creating was a genius but the but look at who we really love. As you said this- and I agree with this totally- is that re ban for the best of us and I think David tell us- is right up there sure, but two things one thing they have in common is that they are so themselves. The into your time there on stage and waited, and we know how difficult that is but day I d have to hear you have to decode, but if we already have some rivalry, as is it, thereby even within her work. There is a lot to do odin and unpack together so much there's someone ambivalence are multi level since its extror and I wanted to ask you and I'm I'm sorry offered for the guiding where the? where our discussion goes. But you ve mentioned the denial death a lot on the on the show, your anna and I recently I am reading it. I'm too the part where he kind of goes,

in on on freud, the an impasse. The part where he embraces care could guard here and so that my question is is because I was written fifty years ago how accurate- and I think I am I know you still believe and a lot of the philosophies within that, but how much of Your anxiety has to do with this fear of death and all Oh, what role has faith played in your ability to get a handle on it and maybe quell, but the anxiety? What I think like you? I think that some of the points that thing there's a lot of you know, but it's all over the place after a certain point right or what I learned, the most was him sort of hijacking, freud's theory of- transference onto these sort of almost innate need for humans? As species to feel connected to something bigger than themselves to give their life meaning yeah and

it kind blew my mind whether its faith or football, who the fuck knows right now, now a term here could guard it was. It was faith right, but for me, like you know, I think faith is. Is it is sort of accommodated with some strange kind of selfish. Denial of thing sure like I arrive in organised faith, I'm not a practising jew. I you know I dont generally believe in god's on bad days. You I can think there there there is obvious we you, I know, I'm not him. I know they are that there seems to be some universal order to things. But you know, my faith is, I think, generally founded in in people and also a strange kind of cynical optimism that that I think probably wrongly so at this point in history that things are going to be okay and that humans are are generally good at their core

both of those things I ve begun to doubt which makes a little worse now. I know it also you having lost lynn and am being that close to two death and and death is someone I love it's it's given me a very practical experience with laws. So- that coupled with the other stuff kind of it's still a very rational approach. You know, I'm not. I'm not totally cynical united either. I don't say that a committed atheist, but I don't spend much time concerned with you're matters right. What are you well? I think I like a lot of for my age and a lot of Jews, my age of of cobbled together a sort of the philosophy or or religion. Based on a few.

The ten men sure the the sermon on the mount, I I think was. It was very helpful do on to others that I had to behave yeah civilization. Does she get yourself? Yes, it's a blueprint for an ethical empathic life, and then there's just this. This I here that I first came across and different people have different ideas for saying this, but it was cured. Vonnegut talking about his son mark, you survived schizophrenia and is now a pediatrician or retired. Ba here. He said we are here on earth to help each other through this. Whatever it is, I thought, oh, that makes that makes sense that that sort of an you can give an The thing is, I I love can move so I feel like you can give meaning to whatever it is. Even if it's pushing a boulder up and down a hill, and also it's like you know it's one of the I believe that cognitive therapy, and acting as if is, is good yeah. I think

You can sort of them mere choose against your instinct. If they're shitty, yeah and anne and grow into having better habits. Yes- and and and also I believe, that you know being there for other people, and I I talked about this. A little in the special doesn't take much yeah and I think that's the big four in in a selfish culture? Is in the special you talk a lot about. You know what millennials and the difference between them and it for good and for bad that yeah yeah? They they seem to be more accepting, but there also more detached, show some ways yeah, but but ultimately to show for somebody else you require There is very little effort and- and it goes a long way yeah. I think the twain had. This quote worry said that, easiest way or or the best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer someone else up, and there is something about doing these acts of all truism that even if it means

delaying your own gratification. It actually becomes gratifying and- and and and as is made me me- feel better- not in a lot of cases, I I just it it stopped matt exciting to go on tv, shows and duty. I end up what became the exciting before the strike, who was trying to get friends and and comedians that I that I admired on their first. The late hour sets it. It just felt so good and I and and much better than it feels now going on tv. It's almost like. Oh yeah, yeah yeah. It's like the helping other people being of service. Yes, I mean if the premise of of recovery of a a is just you know talking to another alcoholic, so you get out of yourself. Yes and in and being of service is very simple in a lot of ways. If you do it, but you are ultimately the only issue become especially if you're your mentally ill, as as we are to whatever degree is that you do have to have some boundaries yeah,

because, like you know helping somebody else, can you know, can ruin your life right right. Right in the sense of like who you at in co dependency, where whatever it may be here, but you know bruges medium in a general way being of service it it's. There is plenty of I to do it. I dont do all of them, but I think that what we're doing right now, a service and that sort of about me. I can rationalizing, do help people, oh yeah, fuck, but I I've I feel, like I had this obligation and after recovering his share, what worked for me and also give some people some some hope that. I had that. I owed the world, something because I I I really and then in the depth of it to two and a half years in I thought. Oh, this is just to I'm going to be until I until I work up the courage to an end and my life and and then when something finally work. Two and a half years in I was I was so

if I was just looking for ways to express that in and give some people some hope, but that there are There was just something that that you're talkin, recently with the with about the two step, Pierre Remsen and Vonnegut always talked about this. He said that the only worthwhile religion on the planet was, as our colleagues anonymous and he said, The key was- and I wonder if you agree with this- was that it it it put a governor on loneliness that it able to circumvent some of that. A lot of the loneliness, which is a lot of the drinking ass well ass, on comes back to you, no talking to another aka yeah and then the other concept. I think that is the most important really the part of it, and this goes back to excess nationalism and it goes back to some of this stuff in terms of the kind of credits leading up to a spiritual awakening

is the idea of powerlessness yeah that that is the kicker is that once you realize your powerless over I'll call, because there's no indication that you can do it safely, then you really start to act and that narrow eyes like I have power of almost nothing. here. We are powerless yeah just about everything right and in that becomes powerful place to be where an end setting there. Getting it in your head that you. You know that, and you can't do drop that your power. the silver whatever it is your in recovery for young that you need to know, yeah and then you're talking. Other people is the next thing and then, ultimately they want to lead you to there's a power. Bigger than yourself. So, however, you write a handle that is up to you by, but accepting an understanding. Powerlessness is is also the other sort of component, but it it's also in an interesting twist in this is sort of the epitome of humility year and end. Strength that,

found all over the years. I am sure many of us and in being humble, I've ever felt stronger than when I felt or open up about my weakness, yeah yeah, oh yeah, yeah- that, like I think like I'm, I'm I'm. I think that, like I, don't pay a lot of service to humility- and I still am- am sorta cocky and you know- and you know, in certain situations, people who know me can get right in but like in certain situations. I can be kind of a dick, because I I like to I you know I say things yeah you're out of Your petty resent mature that I think are funny, but now I say I'm the same on the same way, but I think it's obvious to anybody who is it it can even a tenth grade. Psychology asked that a lot of our boasting in gloating sure is insecurity, insecurity and also, I can only sometimes you just if it'll keep you out of there Oh, yes, it's totally! totally it's. Why am I only go fuck yourself? That's why I admire shit talking athletes, so merger, because there

who knows where they're scared down deep but there's something driving them to this level that borders on it. In the case of the the cobra, in the Michael old, their maniacal via their maniacal. Why I've never really had that by but so it's interesting so the book starts, you know, go back after you, ve had a city yeah, You know my dad had it. and am, and he and you I get it, two out of his memories back, but he s dementia rice, us so, like you wanted, he doesn't want to admit that here I mentioned by is gonna blame easy to write. The thing with depression is that hard to form memories when you're depress this book, Ancillae Hano very focused in terms of white, fairly specific memories and no yeah, and you have them in and I imagine bits and pieces the ones it had an impact on you yeah, I I didn't lose a lot of memory That's something that happens that yeah

Oh yes, I have heard a lot of. It is short term. A lot of it is things that would have happened around the time. I was depressed or being treated for the depression right. My my doctors has some of these members. You never really they never stuck because they called pressure for dementia really: oh, yes or because you, you know it's almost a different in time, really different psychological state. Yet it's almost like drinking or a blackout where you're like evil, because my brought my dad would go into that rages or another depression when when, when bipolar people go up there like, I was not bad. We emphasise what, when you were in bed for three months, yeah yeah yeah, I know when they become addicted to the to the mania yeah yeah, but you didn't have many know he didn't have a gift. Oh no! I was not touched. Fire, but I did. I did have the depression, which is: is it a deadly So, did you find that writing this book? You know because it seems like the framework of it is in the great depression. Yes,

I don't like a prequel to the great depression, but it's also it's a prequel, but it's you going back as somebody who recovered yeah it's from depression and assessing your life. In light of that yeah yeah, I think, I wanted to highlight some of the sources of my worldview and my out lookin and where my my depression started. The first time I felt that maybe I was destined to be depressed at some point, but I remember for my my father had this this very and arrogant. idea that I would have a tremendous advantage in atlanta if I would repeat the first grade, media and and I was. I was the precocious kid I not a mature the end, so I was so as I will, but we will immediately were myths herriston yeah yeah, but I was forced to repeat this great and- and I was much bigger than everybody else, and I had nothing to say to any of these kids. They were, they were just they were. They were not

fully formed physically nor mentally ryan, and so I was just very lonely and I had a teacher who was cruel and and it just those were the first times when I had that suicidal ideation, and I, and I felt like life was, was just this nightmare. That was not not worth living. yeah- and I talked about this in the great depression that sunday night when sixty minutes would come on in there. Yeah I would I would just I would have a panics and and yeah and dread and fake illnesses yeah and go to the nurse and be sent home, and it was just it was just a it was. It was a nightmare man. I did all that really yeah but I didn't give us depresses you, oh man, I got I I regressed and I remember liking camp. Like the first time I that my mom took me to camp. I couldn't I, I was just uncontrollable to be left. Yeah and when my parents would go out of town. When I was like, like eight or nine on a trip, I would say I would

be convinced they would die in a plane crash and I had to be: oh, my god be sent home from school and he like it was. You still have this recurring nightmare that the that the bomb was dropped, and I was at school away from my mother yeah. So I waited. I would go out of my way to either stay home from school or get sent home because I didn't want to separated from my mother and I had no problem going to school and kindergartens and first and nobody noticed suddenly I regressed one I repeated first grade, they just were not, Love the parents now, because there in tune with their kid in an end, and we would we were free range but its way because our relationships where mother were not appropriate on our or or you know, there was not well like an eight year old husband that yeah, There's that that's the thing about it is that they, just you, become an extension of the yes and I still am I still am my mom, I'm mother, that my gary and

feels of entire to comment on my hair and my clothing, and everything like like. I am just as some sort of of redirection of her he eyes nail she's. Ninety there's no fish now no name her. My wife, my wife for always says you're, arguing with her. Like she's in the equal and you're going to danger and she she only knows good bad ugly, pretty young, I just don't like you- have had realizations over time about with them and you I am pretty okay with them. And here I am in my mother- just is very kind of you is emotionally very mature ryan yes, yes, very, sensitive and and and it's sensitive people, for whatever reason my mother could be mean as a snake yeah. My mother, I can really take the shots. Yes, oh my my eye, I remember at one point being

really sick and not wanting to go to some half ass Diana. She was recommending and she and you don't want to get better and wow. You really can pick the cruellest possible thing too. to say here and then and and doesn't understand the impact, call me sensitive firm. saying how hurtful these things. My mother's, like a horrible caretaker like if you get it's like she's, really want doing away with it should feed may budget. We had it again, but there can be nothing now voting. Yes, there was nothing beyond that. An end, a lot if Bobby mason's, old, wives' tales and superstitions about illness and things like yeah just the day but itself, it's so fucked up that we still have to you. How old are you three the on fifty nine empty. You still unpacked this stuff yeah, but there there was a point where, where I was able to accept them,

You know and the triggers got less show it now, my dad's losing his mind. So that's that's a whole other thing right, But it's weird because you not I about you, but like four years, I thought it was my dad. That was the problem yeah, but he is a man of some one. Do you like? Oh no, oh yeah, yeah, oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah an but I dont. Does your brother craig because my brothers have no idea that you got. There is anything wrong with my mother or father. They are noted the saints nobody in my browser, that's helpful, to have somebody to corroborate. My brothers will not corroborate only sanity of my family there's only with two and a half year difference and he was younger, like I guess I was the golden child and he got you and he took it here, but he still yeah he's gotten accepting and responsible bad things, but you know there is a pair their worries. Like you know, my father, you couldn't deal with and my mother he understands I we saw he was close to her eyes closer to him, which way or or laid them differently, which is probably

true, but he completely on board. He's got all the same problem. That's really helpful and he's out also he's he was the spiritual searcher. He is always proactive when he was always the one looking for ways to get tat. he's a, and where did he land he's all right, go while here and there up and down by his ease. You know he went, couple marriages gotta a few kids now easy in his third Your relationship and seems to be really good and he's got a daughter and everything seems too kind. be working out, but he yo r. Your boy am, I well brother. Why was I used the tennis player? The jogger arguably made a bigger mess of his life in the area and I'm proud of him, because it was always like. I was that I was the fuck up and then we had quite a moment we all over the course of our lives. He would tell me what

It was after him like what the fuck you're hardcore. You know that's great. Now. My brothers are so straight edge and married at twenty five and had two children each and and now my brother was a black sheep. Oh yeah, now my brother and I are very close with that stuff and he's you know, he's all right good yeah he landed on his feet. That's great! So what did you learn in terms of like you know the one thing about writing which I found great about? I hate doing it I really don't like to re, but there is a there's something that happens when you do. That is level of self discovery that you can't just think or vote is when it comes out. Are you on paper you're sorta, like wow? If you find that one hundred per cent yeah, I I would take certain events that I highlighted in the book too then be that that weak or for the re couple weeks and yeah and discuss them in the impact and and to have an objective,

so saying no. This is insane for you to be in that. This sounds very petty of me, but I keep telling everyone I was in the top reading group in first grade. I got all I got it all. A his, and and then I find out a week before school, starts that. I am repeating this very easy symbol: greater and that the only explanation is that'll be better at sports, which I really wasn't then into an. I would have been fined and sports anyhow an end so made my doctor. Or my therapist, I is a social worker name down left- go to you'll, find a louder than your convenience go to go to him, but he's said it's in probably undermining in makes you lose confidence in yourself, and you are disappointed trust these people. They have your, and so you assume that this is the best idea and then,

years later you realize, and there was there was no accountability in and everybody tells you to shake it off. I brought it up with my dad we're while he was alive any any apologized and his explanation was. It was inconceivably said that one when he was in second grady as his he changed: schools from boston to new york and his mother said he in third grade instead of second grade, and he was always overwhelmed by that experience. Trying to help he's always trying to help me. But it was an any says and I fought the superintendent and the principal and- and I said I know my son and I always thought know you- you spent three hours with them on a on a sunday and and my my teacher was my next door neighbor and had me six hours a day and knew I should be going into second grade and it, and it's just to this day. I have this this. certain malaysia. Every time it gets to be fall.

Because I remember how I felt every year going back to school, but I didn't fit in and that I was eating that hobbled you through for all of elementary school, oh yeah, yeah, because and have a close friend until until fifth grade and and just come home after school every day and and I would read or draw and then eventually I found basketball, which was the only sport you could practice by yourself, and that was that was very helpful. I would go to park and shoot for hours, which is is very zen, and I would make friends through that. But I didn't have a friend who I would go over to to his house frequently until I was fifth grade and that that's just a a tough time to be so so solitary yeah, but I I think it was the voice in my head here. Isn't it same thing about my dad. He grew up in the bronx jewish fought every day. According

him. There was a fight every day say I would call a jew, bastards hearing, he would fight them and he he's told me. If anybody gives you a hard time teases, you pushes you, you hit him and you fight That's a nice and- and- and I just didn't have that in me- I Didn'T- I didn't know how to fight and I was afraid of fighting and and so I just felt like such a soft weak kid being used and bullied by the other kids and unable to do anything about it and also this this horrible. Let and to my father. So there is this whole side of my my personality that I wasn't able to share with my dad and it and it was it was. It was very sad for

Yeah I I didn't come from. My dad was an angry fuck in a lot of ways, but you know I I didn't. I wasn't sure I was the type somebody would give him the finger the highway and we buy up we're not going to the carnival today. Yeah he's going to follow this person allows them over the side of my. My brothers witnessed him pulling somebody out of the car. How he's driving too fast in a in a parking lot I mean my father was: was a yeah full of rage My dad was an angry explosive guy, but he wasn't like that. He take it. You know he'd yell at us a lot about this or that right I used to do a joke. He used to he used to have a gun in his car or like a and and and I think the joke was like- we just assume do using these. It I'm sorry we weren't for further We are very worried about, but a separately but, like all the same with fighting to, and I got an email from an asshole once that really. I can't I think about all the time, because

it bothers me when I talk about masculinity allowed onstage made now and about what is what his courage in what is he. I talk about being called a pussy. recently and I'm like- I say this guy called me a pussy, I'm a fifty nine year old man, but it landed ends ah yeah when you're a certain type of way in high school. It's going to land all the time you go into this weird spin about your your your school entity in everything, and I kind of explore that but sky, romania, mail about how you know he could tell, because I was I He was at a show right, fucking, unloaded on somebody, and he said yeah you're, basically said your pussy. He said when I was a kid. You know there was but he was boy me at school. My older brother said you just go to school and we fuckin punch him yeah and anne and take care of it. So this guy the thing that that sit with me that drives me nuts. As he says, I went to school that day and I broke that

jar and then he says, and I became my own hero wow and unlike flock, I'm definitely not my own oh man, but but what happened the other kid by, but none the less standing up self! In that way. You get a fundamental cognitive, change in his ability to stand up from so yeah I mean I I talk about in the book. There was one time where I was I was beaten up, my mother broken up after school. Here, and that felt terrible and then later on that year, it became clear that I was an easy and the easy mark is an easy mark that so everybody was challenging me to a fight because it I guess it would be a pretty big win, because I was taller and bigger than everybody. I just was soft, and so he challenged me to a fight and

out of. I don't know where the inspiration came. I just got him in a headlong seldom in the headlong until he gave up and and didn't feel any better than losing a fight. I didn't make me feel strong in it. I was shaking it was it was. It was true tat. It was dramatic as as being beaten up it just it This was it was not my dominance or aggressiveness was not. My was was not personnel and I go for the animal charm offensive, Negotiations are willing- and I think comedy help the work that I will bring. People make people like me total, rather than one. I wanna fight me, but there There are those stories of the of the mother telling the son that he's going to have to stand up for himself and going and fighting, and then there are those stories where the the the kid probably had a breakdown and never felt good about himself, because he could never fight so that the these things, because my dad did that to me all

at the time I'd come in after being beaten up and he'd say, go out there and and fight the kid, and I just gotta go out there and walk around the neighborhood. Avoiding writing and this and it made me feel horrible and this region, comparison with evolved parents of of today in Prague. some way where they they it's a gift. Yeah, away, but it seems to me not unlike some the observations I am making is that it was patterns of emotional negligence or emotional abuse that rule we in the long run become the most dramatic yeah right not a single episodes, not yet It's not it's not about. that day, you had quitting that guy in a headlock. Now it's the repetition of your father's point of view. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah and and every story told from his childhood was about fight most thirty one, some occasionally throwin. Balance or a loss of a fight, but it was mostly about how how aggressive he was and how angry he was in it and and

it may feel very, very soft, and that I'd that I didn't measure up and in comparison see, I feel soft it's only for people- the nomenclature- as I get older, more and more people see again in there just sort of you're the one I dont realises that has plenty of people in my life that you and I have known for years that in you know, I'm not fool in them they're, just sort of like yeah walmart mark. Does that whatever yeah sorry yeah but like I'm having this small birthday party in a couple of weeks- and I literally the the guest list is very weird because there's some people- I've known a very long time, there's some people I've only known a little while and there's some people that I like seeing yeah, and I realize that out of the twenty or thirty people that are invited to the party, it's really people that don't cause me any anxiety. That was that's how That was how I gave the guess was for what recent yeah these are people, whether their new free are older, older. All your friends, they don't me any anxiety? Now I get that, but but I I have found

that one one sort of silver lining to the fact that it took me so long to make friends is, is that I know the value of of friendship, and so I, I'm an am on I'm good at it. Yeah, I'm good. As as a as a friend I get it. I get a little selfish but yeah. Now I get that, but it it's just. I've learned over the years. Is it's really when you have a? the family. Your friends are really are you. You have to assure to get through the air, I've had friends at different stages of my life. Some of them, you know, have stayed in the in the pocket yeah and some came later yeah. You know. I found that the friends I married as an adult that that stood by me through divorces and and the death of a partner and and Sobre eighty year they say you know what that means. A lot like. I just How did it get? I want to hebrew school with with and and he's gonna come. I got one guy who I see when I go back home to albuquerque. That's who I've known and second gray without

where we, you know we're pretty tight because there's a familiarity but he's still in my life yeah. So I realized yesterday, like we'll see if he wants to come out How that would be what's his name day, recline felt amazing. So in looking at them. What did you find in the book was really the the crux the outside of of the chemical imbalance, depression. What was it in the book we're like? Well, we talk about your father, but is there one episode outside of lake you know getting the guy anna, a luck You really sort of hang a lot of you think back, I'm as being the most dramatic thing Oh I mean it's a. I know it's not all about trauma and some of it's just fun. No, I mean there were certain things like the the first time I had, I had been in love with a with a a girl. When I was in in highschool that that was it was very.

difficult after that, every go back into the took me years and here's to to offer myself after that possibility, because it was so devastate and it was ended and brought about a knot, I wouldn't say, was a depressive episode, because the one thing about being seventeen is that you have to go up every get up day and go to school on sports tammany around people so wasn't like? I was, I was depressed like I was it forties, but I I just I didn't I did wanna ever connect that way with a with a girl. later Don't know what age worse was the call them women, but the we all know is in girls at the time, but- and I did it was so hard at devastated me and I had nobody's perspective to say then I would say to a boy now you're going to get to a point in your life, and I think about this frequently with me. With my wife that sometimes she'll be naked in my house, and I really want look twice

I'm so used to seeing naked women. That is not the end on be all of my existence. You're, like it isn't seventeen and they'll be time where the you'll be able to you'll be our kind women that you, I or not it. I was so hung up on sexual stuff that, like cause, I yeah like cause. I had all these. I had friends and they were all you know like having sex and I was having sex and I was so bad at it. I will come in my pants nine times out of ten. I could've talked about that in the book. You did to icons, and the premature ejaculation and a compulsive masturbation I was just like. It was devastating and I saw porn way too young and was like well that's how you do it. It was right, but that was a betamax inheriting, roar yeah. I didn't get that.

Good. I don't think it's helpful to see poured into now, not to me of aids, but sexual anxiety is plaguing to me today. Shore, like give ear defining myself, I saw you, I weren't how to do it and I m ok added no functioning as an adult and I probably have more x and most people, but by the anxiety around it and just being. This is a sort of so thank you either. Your coming in your pants are premature, jacqueline you're not being able to get it up because you so freaked out is paralyzing for life. Oh yeah, yeah yeah on the book, while I yeah talked about at that. A girl liked me and a friend of mine had said: if you play your cards right, you get, you could get layer of sand. Yeah- and I knew there was no way it was going to happen, but but and then one day were kissing passionately. She was lying on me and and that held so good.

And I just made up an excuse to have to leave, because I had I had soiled myself for sure soiled yourself. I don't think I I think you can it's not the same You can't you came in your pay. I came in my veins areas right right, right, radiation say: has you didn't I just I'm coming in europe has. Is this the words like either there's been ties were? Were I had to do my own laundry because I didn't want my mother to discover that I net my mother, like how about discovering the mountain of kleenex stuck on the side of my bed, Jesus Christ. They know we fucking know they had to know that was the the one area that they knew not to shame. Men, yeah yeah, but I just remember there was a time where is it like making out with somebody? My freshman year of college- and I came my pants and I stood up from the bed carefully and I spilled the soda, my pants to be ike osiers market. worse it just now- I just sprint at home, but that's also compare thing like who knows what people really doing by work. There is definitely

not necessarily well adjusted people, but people who not so sensitive that they enjoy themselves over every, and there are also well adjusted people, and that was the great thing about mediums as they would talk about these humiliating things, and they would let you off the hawk, and I think that one of the great powers of of committee- indians as they they can. Let you off the hopes for things like that being being lonely or on on drugs. Talk about yet totally and And- and I would feel I remember barber swanton was a meeting I remember. The first person to talk about wearying are not heard that name and so yeah big hair, yeah yeah yeah. She was like a howie yeah. She was the first person to talk about being on prozac and I thought wow how how pray If I'm so embarrassed, I think she passed away from from cancer. At a young age. She was lovely, but I just thought The great that the bad thing is that sometimes, Don't let you off the hook for fur

and I just like being racist or misogynistic earned or not. I think that's a good point. I think I think- and now I have to you- know really kind of explore yeah years of premature jack, an anxiety driven impotence as my neck. One person. I thank you for the breakthrough I'll hire again, I've done if I'm doing trauma, but now just sort of like soiling myself with come. How old were you when you read partners complaint for them Oh god I dunno. I think I feel like goes in college. Ok, yeah I was there. I was after all, two. I could really use that book in high school that were made the average them. The masturbation thing would juices big thing I imagine it's pretty basic everybody leg with every culture. I guess we didn't invent it. No, we didn't invent it, but I'd. Never I knew early on just from that use it. I knew from your school. We were talking

jerking off, and we were like thirty, that's so interesting because everybody in my sphere denied it right until we got to college, and then I was on this football team and everybody after practice was talking about how they were going to go back to their rooms and jerk off for a nod. Yeah, and I thought- and you admit that yeah yeah a juicy my circle, or that says how funny so do we cover it? I think we covered I I I I really appreciate this this when deep, I loved it. What else is going to do now? I know where you were so what's this who person show finer tells me you gotta anew. a new show gone well You talk about class disparity, oh yeah. That was especially I I I shot in in Toronto. in june, born on third base in way in which I talk about income inequality in and it, but in terms of where we now have the area, and things like that was that going to be, I, I hope, it'll be out in december, but we ve sent into the streamers

I may line up this self forman, wouldn't where they thought platform at yeah end and but you ve got a good audience. I do. I do I'm very grateful that this is more than I could have ever hoped for, and I I was talking about this with with signatories recently, I said an inch I agree that if we were able to maintain this for the rest of our lives, this level, we were very happy and content yeah. I think that's true, some part of me things like how can not everyone everywhere thinks like me, part of my being that sort of like I don't understand, I'm the most accessible comic around. That's not true good talking you the same here. as How do you go tat was pretty heavy, miss bit growing if awkward in the eighties comes out tomorrow september, nineteen hang out for a minute people.

Hey w tia plus subscribers can listen a gary's first appearance right now. This was on episode three, fifty seven from back in twenty thirteen comedy. There has been a tremendous social boon formulated very difficult place too. If you have to hang around, if you can sit at the table with once a vital over their heads and you're, not one of those who those people with the other table, yeah ds very interesting, because there is a table very close to it, but I still region and touches pricking, but they dont on don't bring your chair and a closer look at. How long does that say, that is to say in the corner, table its eighty, nine half a terrier remarkable in new york. It's definitely actual seat Yeah you you are strong enough but perform?

an and star that you are able to actually bring somebody to the table. Who is not even a comic, that's a very special level, not many people can get away with that. I've had girlfriends where, where they will say yeah, he going to be a comedian to sit at this table. So it says more about me than yeah, but also like I've also brought girls in there and I'm, like you know, I don't want to bring you. I don't want to prove it now like. Oh no, because there is a lot gentler. We have now just thought. You know, you'd, never know when you know it. It really depends on the mix, but you know, if the trees was alive. High I'll sit in another restaurant revive go there. Would somebody like you know, like that, she's a phoney bitch yea to get that episode in all the beauty of episodes ad free sign up now by going to the link in the episode description or go to w p of pod dot com and click on you d have plus and a reminder. Today's episode is sponsored by better help. No matter who you are mental health challenges can affect you. Everyone should have access to mental health, support better help.

It's online therapy on your schedule, its flexible, but to use more affordable than in person. Therapy connect with a licence, therapist selected just for you. Learn more better health dot com, swash, w e F, that's better hd, LP, dot, com, swash, w e f! and this is slide. Guitar specifically, four, lorraine, gnomon. ok, lorraine, I'm doing as for you. We know why. Ok,

on monday in the bond everywhere