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Only the beginning of an irresistible web of danger and deceit in this gripping psychological thriller, new episodes of the affair every Sunday at ten p dot m download the Showtime app now imagine if your spouse suddenly became a different person if the words they said made them seem like a total stranger mark, Lucas has been there and back filmmaker and actor mark do plus reads for us this week. You may know him from his roles in HBO's togetherness and the new film Blue, Jay Mark Duplass reads: Mark Lucas essay what of the darkness? There was a time when my wife Julia said yes to almost everything I suggested, but before she consented, there was always an unnatural pause a pause so small. It may have gone unnoticed by others. has been there and back obvious. An me mark pause reads for us, this, her

You may know him from his the anti togetherness and the new film Blue years Mark when reads Mark. I were twenty seven and in our third year of marriage she suffered. There was a time when my wife Julia said yes to almost everything I suggested but before, consented. There was always an unnatural pause, a pause. Small. It may have gone unnoticed by others, but it painfully obvious to me. That pause did not come from her. It came from the anti psychotic medication she had to take Years ago, when julia- and I were a twenty seven and in our third year of marriage, she suffered a psychotic break. She had no history of. illness preceding the abrupt arrival of delusions and paranoia

It was a bewildering decline that snowballed from typical work stress two mile depression to sleeplessness, two voices speaking to her in the night She still managed to do that a few times anyway, to try to make sense of why she had to live in this medicated haze. I thought of her movements and response time. I didn't like what the medicine did to her, but I like even less what her unmedicated self was like and capable of doing so. I gave her the medicine I observed her as she took Mine was crackly white noise and it drove her format right into the halls of a psychiatric ward,

The medicine was like turning down the volume. It was what had to be done until the channels could work again and while the volume was turned down, her entire life was on mute. She Some reason. Julia had become stuck between channels so was broadcasting in her mind was crackly white noise and it drove her, right into the halls of a psychiatric ward. The medicine was like turning. Was yes because I think she wanted to make me happy I mean if we had to go through this hell. At least she wanted to be agreeable during this time. I thought of her as the great validator the fact that she did not speak. Much also meant that I spoke a lot.

didn't communicate much when she was on the medicine and when she did, it was mostly just yes or no more often than not. It was yes because I think she wanted to make me happy. They mean if we had to go through this. At least she wanted to be agreeable during this time. I thought of her as the great validate or the fact that she did not speak. Much also meant that I spoke a lot about silly things, things that filled the silence, so that I could try to keep her mind here with me and not adrift in illness, but occasionally she spoke on her own without prompting, while washing, yes or no.

Something insignificant Julia would interrupt and say mark. If someone kills themselves do they still get a funeral? What do you mean? Well, I know that if you kill yourself If you go to hell, but does that mean they don't let you have a funeral? Do you still get a funeral if you're going to hell? We don't have to think about that Julia because you're not going to kill yourself something insignificant Julia would interrupt and say mark. If someone kills themselves do they still get a funeral? What do you mean? Well, I know

Smile like she was a little child being told you can have your ice cream later. It was something to look forward to when suicide thoughts made her happy. I knew it was my cue to remind her of other reasons to feel happy, so I told her I loved her and that so many other people loved her too, that she was so strong for holding on that, And she'd smile thoughts of suicide tended to make her smile like she was a little child being told you can have your ice cream later was something to look forward to. Into yoga together and we had to pull over and sit on the sidewalk for almost two hours, while she sobbed and begged me to let her kill herself

loved her to that she was so strong for holding on that? None of this was her fault, that the feelings would go away that you just had to keep holding on When the suicidal feelings gripped her tightly her whole body, groaned and wailed over the loss of control of mind Mind and feelings I would hold her, but I learned that all I could do in those moments was to sit there and let it be so I did, and the dog would clear. The suicidal impulses would slip back under the. And that it would pass and that she would someday somehow start to feel better again.

when the suicide of feelings gripped her tightly her whole body, groaned and wailed over the loss of control of mind and feelings. I would hold her, but I learned that all I could do in those moments was to sit there and let it be so. I did. In our conversations about love, which always would arise, unprompted Jew would interrupt whatever we were doing to tell me how much she loved me. Instead of questions like, why would God do this to me Or can you agree to, let me kill myself in one year if this doesn't get better, my lovely, broken, medicated wife would take my hand, look me in the eyes and say.

And our conversations about love, which always would arise, unprompted Julia would interrupt whatever we were doing to tell me how much she loved me instead of questions like. Why? Would God do this too as her spouse and caregiver. One of my biggest struggles was to keep my own emotions in check. She was too fragile to witness how much her delusions paranoia and depression scared and worried me. So I had to pretend that none of it bothered me. I became came a master at compartmentalizing. My worry and anxiety neatly packaging. My feelings into the small permissible moments when I had the time and space away from Julia. For the most part, though, I was her cheerleader and nothing nomad

matter? How dark or despairing could shake me, except when she told me she loved me, but when she told me she loved me that I was saving Wife and that she was staying alive not for herself, but for me those moments. Small permissible moments when I had the time and space away from Julia? For the most part, though I was her cheerily and nothing, no matter how dark or despairing could shake me, except when she told me she loved me, but when she told me she loved me that I was saving her life and that she was staying alive not for herself.

She no longer takes the medicine. We don't live in a yes or no existence anymore. We now live with bills and iphones and deadlines. I'm glad to have left behind the anxiety. Or for both of us and yet, when I look back on that year, I have to admit there is a part of me that misses it or more accurately, a part of it that I miss. I don't miss the illness itself. Of course we're still not sure where the darkness came from or why it's behind us, or even what the actual diagnosis was psychotic depression. Maybe all

I glad to have left behind the anxiety and unknown of dealing with a serious mental illness. It was a gruelling year for both of us and yet, when I look back on that year, I have to admit there is a part of me that, MRS it or more accurately, a part of it that I miss. I dont miss the illness itself, of course, were still not sure where the darkness came from, or why it's behind us, or even what the actual diagnosis was psychotic depression. Maybe. In another sense, we were closer emotionally than we have ever been I am glad it has gone and I dont Miss Julia Sadness, a sadness that seemed to be without limits good riddance to that. But I do miss how much we talked about life and love that year,

wash the dishes and the other will respond. While I did the laundry today and folded it and put it away. So no, but I walked the dog by himself tonight, but I made the bed and until finally, one of us, you know, does the dishes when Julia was sick. We did the dishes together, because there was nothing else to do. As long as we were together, we could agreeably wait out the disease and we bicker about things like doing the dishes. One of us will say I cook dinner, so you can wash the dishes Other will respond. Why did the laundry today and folded it and put it away so now, but I want the dog by myself tonight, but I mean the bed until finally, one of us on each does the dishes, When Julia was sick, we did the dishes together, because there was nothing else to do. as long as we were together, we could agreeably

other playing individually and not cheating, sometimes when I open up spelling bee- and I see that you have completed a few words on your own, I feel a little. we weren't in a rush to do anything else, because I think I have one friend who I will send screenshots from spelling me of inappropriate words that I always get nervous that I sent it to my parents, or something the time when only two things matter to us. I love felling. My boyfriend and I often play stalling, be together by together. I mean sitting next to each other. Playing individually and not cheating? Sometimes when I open up spelling bee, I see that you have completed a few words on your own. I feel a little betrayed in ferry may have happened, as his editor for the New York Times, you can try spelling bee and all our games, I will send screenshots from spelling bee of inappropriate words and I was getting nervous. I sent it to my parents or something like that

me and my dad. We like you together and how we got it says she came to Jack Yeah yeah. I'm same is risky. The digital possessed her for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at annoyed times that come flash Games life Aaron from L a I go to hot yoga and because of living proof, dry shampoo. I don't actually have to wash my hair after hot yoga. I mean reading Mark Lucas essay out of the darkness a lot. To Julia and Mark. Since he wrote the Sesar will hear from him after the break.

Living proof, dot, com for a free travel, sized dry shampoo, with your twenty dollar order, we're back. It's modern love, the podcast, a magnet Chakrabarti when his wife Julia was first hospitalized. Mark Lucas Koch wrote LOL essay like emails to his parents and his in laws. He would do this in the hospital and send them out every evening. It was cathartic, but it was also a window into an undiscovered. but I can go to work and no one will even notice because dry shampoo is so amazing. I would love a living proof. Dot com for a free travel size, dry, shampoo, with your twenty dollars order, we're back it's modern love. The podcast, I'm magnet, when his wife Julia was first hospitalized mark, unfortunately, wrote on essay like emails to his parents and is in laws he would do this in the house. turtle and send them out. Every evening it was cathartic.

Dude? We basically got an updated diagnosis from her doctor and went from this one time thing to instead know you have bipolar, which is going to be something: that's probably going to be a part of your life forever and you may have continually recurring episodes, and so that really forced Julian. I turn to reconsider how we approach this, not only how we approach each other as a couple, but how he approached this new piece of our relationship, which was this diagnosis that might up in our lives every now, and then it was during this challenging time and after serious deliberation with doctors and with each other mark and Julia decided to have a child. Their son Jonas is now four years old. He was six months old when Julia had her second episode and in two and a half years old when she had her third episode, and so when we factor in parenting into all this

While it really made it all the more important that we had to have. What felt like a plan for, if she's getting sleepless, if she's, showing some of these signs of the early onset of psychosis, what can we do about it in order to keep Julia Healthy, to respect her sense of autonomy, but also to like decided to have a child their Sunday. This is now four years old. He was six months old when Julia had her second episode and then two and a half years old when she had her third episode, and so when we factor in parenting into all this as well, it really made it all. The more important that we had to beep almost like he. He moved through it immune to it's consequences. Now I dunno long term. What does it mean? We don't know if Chile's ever going to end up back in the hospital again. Jonas is a lot more aware now, but I do really have to say that, given how much of an emotional toll this has taken on me, he seems to have been able to manage it, pretty well

loved and safe, and not scared by all this remarkably Jonas, has coped well with these changes. I think about what he's gone through and He somehow seems to be almost like he, he moved through. It amused to its consequences. Now I don't know long term. What does it mean? We don't know if Chile's arrogant I can the hospital again. Jonas is a lot more aware now, but I do really have to say that, given how much of an emotional told this has taken on me, he seems to have been able to manage a pretty well

the life into the world you're setting them up for so much beauty, but so much pain and so much suffering, and we don't know what that's going to look like, and it just hit me so hard that he might be on a similar path of Julie's been on. He might be manic or psychotic or suffered with depression or any of these things, and- and I don't know- my only hope is- is that if he does- and at least we can learn from Julia's and my experience as we try to figure out how to manage it, instead, we can feel more empowered and more empathetic and more informed. This conversation was full of difficult questions, including whether Mark had ever contemplated giving up on this marriage. I was twenty seven at the time and my boss looked at me and he said if this happened to me when I was your age. I would be out of here and I've thought about that. A lot and I gotta be honest with you. I haven't actually really, though:

at leaving. I've certainly gotten very frustrated, and I know Julia's gotten really frustrated like that frustrations. A two way street for us, but I come from a family that believes in family and I've seen my relatives and my siblings and whether Mark had ever contemplated giving up on this marriage. I was twenty son of the time and my boss looked to me and he said if this happened to me when I was your age, I would be happy.

him marry her for many reasons, and that is probably the most important promise that I'll ever make to anyone ever is to say I'm going to be with you forever and for her to say back to me, I'm going to be with you forever to so. Julia has had a great year and is thriving at work. Mark continues to write about his experience. Look, the stats around mental illness are pretty clear that there's a lot of people who have a diagnosed mental illness and all those people have families, and so those families are also impacted, and so you've got a huge huge population who has this experience that shape them promise that I'll ever make to anyone ever is to say I'm going to be with you forever and for her to say back to me, I'm to be with you forever to so. Julia has had a great year and is thriving at work mark continue.

right about his experience, look the stats. Our mental illness are pretty clear that there's a lot of people who have a diagnosed mental illness and all those people have families, and so those families are also invited, and so you ve got a huge huge population who has this experience that shape them? That not many people are talking about. I got an email sets. I love felling, my boyfriend and I often lay stalling me together by together, I mean sitting next to each other playing individually and not cheating. Sometimes when I open up spelling bee, I see that you have completed a few words on your own. I feel a little betrayed in ferry may have happened started playing and I found your article and I think those are the ones that at N Y Times dot com, slash Games day, I'm on my phone in the waiting room and I started googling, and I found your article.

me and my dad. We like you together and how we got it says she came out to Jack. It kind of give him a pat on the arm and say: look I don't know what can happen for you, but I can I'm same is asking the digital positive for the New York Times. You can try spelling bee and all our games at annoying times dot com, slash games, they I'm on my phone in the waiting room and I started googling and I found your article and I think those are the ones that hit me the hardest, because I know exactly what that person is feeling like they're, so scared. They have no idea what's happening and they need someone to come and give him a pat on the arm and say: look

I don't know what's going to happen for you, but I can at least tell you what happened from me and maybe you can learn from it. A little bit mark Lukacs, the writer of this week's essay marks memoir, my lovely wife in the Psych Ward, will be out in May the done and the consequences continue to mount. So who can you trust when no two versions of the story are alike? And Daniel Jones, editor of modern love for the New York Times in a minute, they're starring Dominic West Ruth Wilson, more tyranny and Joshua Jackson Download the Showtime app now to start your free trial and catch up on the affair. New episodes every Sunday and Love, comes from the show time original series, the affair, no one could have predicted. The effects of betrayal would be so far reaching and shatter so many lives, but the past cannot be undone and the consequences continue to mount to who can you trust when no two versions of the story are like and the truth itself is unreliable, find out on the affair starring Dominic West Ruth?

in more tyranny and Joshua Jackson Download the show I am now to start your free trial and catch up on the affair new the hobbled state. Their relationship was in love and back when Dan Jones read this peace for the first time he was struck by the extreme challenges facing this young couple. For twist this peace how our relationships can just be so routine and superficial- and you don't appreciate- other, and you don't talk about things that are meaningful and and lie? essays not only for being able to write about something and being brave enough to write about it, but for the behavior in the essay I say you know, for what they are able to do. I would not be able to have the backbone that so many of these people have in difficult situations it gives.

Asked is, is what brings out the best in you and that's certainly the case with more Dan Jones editor of modern love for the New York Times of these essays, not only for being able to write something being brave enough to write about it. But for the behave I happened upon a group of really sensitive depressive artists and we deal with this stuff all the time and our goals are to transcend, but we also it gives me faith and humanity. So to the. Dan Jones editor of modern love for the New York Times but it's a beautiful venture. If you're brave enough to embark filmmaker mark do plus for reading this week's essay. I've dealt allow with a mental illness. Personally and my family with my friends, I happened to be in a group

next week on modern love, Molly Ringwald, on taking a vacation with your ex with your ex the mother and father do not fight over the laundry they do not fight over money. They do not fight over their marriage. There. King lemonade out of lemons is really difficult, but it's a beautiful venture if you're a brave enough to embark upon it mark do class. His latest project is blue J, a film in which he stars opposite Sarah pulse it's in theaters now and will be on Netflix in December. next week on modern love, Molly Ringwald, on taking a vacation with your ex the mother and father, do not fight over the laundry they do not fight our money they do not fight over their marriage. There is no laundry or money or marriage to fight over, not anymore,

the is a production of the New York Times and W Boston NPR station its produced, directed and edited by Jessica Albert The. the Iris Adler, as our executive producer, Daniel Jones The editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show music for the pod cast courtesy of Pierre I'm making a chopper birdie see you next week.